there are people who, unaware of the dynamics of narcissistic abuse, wonder how it is possible that the victim has allowed themselves to be subdued by such a highly abusive person.

the fact is that the perverse abuser does not carry a sign on their forehead warning: “i am a narcissist”, they act in a covert and subtle way. as they seduces, devalues and conditions you, deploying their whole manipulative arsenal, the pressure increases and the psychological and emotional violence emerges.

progressively, you become more and more tolerant of abuse. if at first you could endure, for example, an hour’s silent treatment, over time the abuser’s hostile silence will extend to a day, or a whole week.

you don’t cut off a relationship if at some point the other person stops talking to you without explaining why, especially when the previous days have been intense and very connected. you will probably miss what is happening, and you will wonder with concern if you are the cause of their sudden silence.

the behavior will repeat itself unpredictably, you will demand their “silences”, which have become longer and more charged with hostility, they will tell you that you are overreacting, and that you are very sensitive and dependent. all this will affect you, of course, and will lead you to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship, but it will not be easy for you to break it off; you have in your mind the image of the wonderful person you knew at first, and you feel the pull of the emotional bond, so you try to adapt to the situation as best you can.

unless you know the manipulative tactics of silent treatment beforehand, it’s hard not to fall into the trap.

that’s how the narcissistic abuser acts in disguise.

the cauldron of abuse slowly heats up as your psychological warning systems are deactivated, your emotional defenses are dismantled, and you become desensitized to the abuse, normalize it, and at some point even stop trying to jump out of the pot.

you suffer, then, from boiling frog syndrome.

from time to time the narcissist, in order to keep you paralyzed and in a state of confusion, will turn down the heat a little, give you a break, show you superficially kind and complacent, making you believe that there will be a return to the golden period of the relationship. taking advantage of your longing, it will feed your expectations that everything will be as it was before.

this is, of course, a momentary relief, the fire of abuse will soon be rekindled, and you will still be there, immersed in the pot, suffering all the after-effects of the traumatic bond and at the mercy of the predator.

this is how many victims have endured years and years of abuse and mistreatment. at one point they stopped reacting, they gave up, from time to time they have some crisis, especially when the abuser turns up the heat of their aggressions too much, but as soon as they have an apparent change of attitude, and the water cools down a bit, they decide to stay in the pot and keep trying.

it’s not until you manage, usually with the help of an outside agent, to put the pieces together and identify the abuser’s pattern of behavior, that you react, and finally leave the abuser’s kitchen, usually by decreeing no contact.

this usually happens unless you manage to jump out of the pot before the discard time, when the abuser takes off their mask and all their hate and lack of empathy comes out. the experience is often devastating, at which point you realize how the hot water of abuse has burned you and all the after-effects of this experience.

never judge someone who suffers from boiling frog syndrome, think that this person entered into a relationship that at first seemed normal and even wonderful, and was subjected to brainwashing and manipulation techniques that made them more and more tolerant of abuse, a situation that destroyed their psychological defenses, and paralyzed them.

let’s help the victims to wake up, to become aware of the trap that has been set for them, so that they can jump out of the pot in time and be free from their executioner.