There comes a time where you start to wonder when you grew up, when that defining moment was that separated you from childhood. When pondering these thoughts, I can't help but think about all of the "lasts" in my life. When was the last time I turned on Disney Channel? Did I just turn on the TV one day, not flip to channel 47 and never look back? What was the deciding factor in my mind that told myself I was becoming too old, or cool, for my favorite childhood shows? And as I glance at my American Girl dolls and all of their outfits and furniture, when was the last time I brushed their hair, or pretended to be their teacher? Did I walk up my basement stairs one day and close the door on that realm of imagination forever? It puzzles me how these moments are supposed to shape us in someway, all of these little events strung together are somehow supposed to leave childhood behind. In those moments the younger you had no clue that you were closing a door of your life and opening a new one.
It's often easier to remember the firsts in life, the first time you rode a bike, your first day of kindergarten, your first kiss, your first day of high school, the first goal you scored, the first day of college, because you often see it as a new beginning. However, I believe you can argue that life begins at the end of you comfort zone, and what is more out of your comfort zone than doing something for the last time? Throughout your life you have subconsciously been starting over by recognizing the moments where it is the end of life as you know it. In those moments, we usually fail to realize that it is indeed the end of life as we know it. With each last comes a sort of growth and development that shapes you into the person you're going to be.
With all of this in mind I can't help but wonder what lasts that are coming up, and how life is going to change again. I don't like change, and sadly life seems to be changing as fast as the seasons these days. With growing up comes change, however, what changes; you or your life? Change is a strange concept, can a person really change? To be honest I don't really think someone can change, at the end of the day you are who you are and it's probably who you've always been. Now, do not confuse growing up and changing, because they are two vastly different concepts. Growing up means finding yourself and developing, making new friends and finding new hobbies and interests. But can a person actually CHANGE? Can someone deviate from who they have always been and begin anew? I think it's safe to say there's been a point in everyones life where we've wished to change who we are, out of self hatred and despise, or in hopes of leading a different lifestyle. However no matter how hard you try you cannot run away from who you are, it's funny how our past frames us and haunts us like a ghost, or comes back to visit like an old friend.
I sit here writing this at age 19, far from grown up, however right now in my life I'm expected to make decisions as if I am one. There's that old familiar saying that one day you're 17 and waiting for someday, and then quietly, without you ever really noticing, that someday is your life. And as for that "defining moment" I feel as though our lives are a series of small, intimate moments, some leave you heartbroken and breathless, while others take your breath away. Your development of a human being cannot be summed up into one moment where your childhood ends and adulthood begins. All of your "last" moments accumulate and you wake up one morning wishing for it all back.
And while I think of my lasts in the past year, I think of my last field hockey game, my last lacrosse game, my last day of high school. I think about my first day of college, my first year away from home, my first year coming to a close. "Last" is associated with endings, however while I may be far away from my childhood of disney and dolls, I have the future at my fingertips. I am venturing out of my comfort zone, which I have already done so many times, yet this one somehow seems much more vast. I think the moral here is to stop waiting for that one "moment" and stop reliving your past or searching for it, because it's not there. Who you are today is a reflection of all of the moments thus far in your life, and as you continue to grow you will collect more and more of these moments. Do not fear the lasts in life, because life always has a way of finding us with what we need, at just the right times. And don't be afraid to jump at that moment where life as you know it ends, because life goes on and the summer turns to fall, and the leaves fall from the trees, whether you want it to or not.
