“When I Grow Up”

The ominous question we are asked since we were able to speak: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Many know from a young age--I am forever jealous. Those that knew they wanted to be doctors and lawyers from a young age, then went off and accomplished these dreams, hats off to you. You are everything I’ve ever wanted to be. Decided. I used to know what I wanted to be. I’ve always loved to draw, to create with a utensil. It was an art I was passionate about ever since I can remember. Art took me to another world, I loved it. And I wasn’t too bad at it either, it’s all I did so I got pretty good (if I do say so myself). People would ask the big question and I would reply with one simple, unquestioned answer, “artist”.

I would doodle no matter where I was, on the roadmap in the car, the back of napkins, anywhere that would accept the marking of a pen or pencil. My parents and friends were of constant encouragement of this goal I had, of this love of mine. I’m not sure where exactly along the line this changed. But at some point in time I was told this was an unrealistic dream.

Please, please be so careful of the words you say to kids and young people. This comment made was so impactful towards everything I knew up until that point. I remember as I began to get older, more and more people would tell me “Visakha, you're making this harder on yourself”, “haven’t you heard the term “starving artist”?”, “do yourself a favor and go into a well paid profession”.

I guess the comments dissuading me from this path were meant as encouraging words, a nudge in the right direction, perhaps. Since that point I began to question what used to be unquestioned. I now am completely clueless as to what the most beneficial path would be for me. Sure, reading this you're probably thinking it’s so simple: do what you love, be that artist. And I would love to but there is so much more than passion that comes into play when deciding one’s career path and life path. Maybe it is that simple; I would like to think so. But, there is always that “what if”. What if I go to art school and live a difficult life, full of unemployment and ramen noodles? Then, what if it’s all I ever wanted it to be? What if being artistic is my path, who I’m meant to be? I know that sounds dramatic but these are real questions I ask myself daily.

I’m still figuring out what I want to be, still stuck completely clueless. I’ll let you know when I figure it out. But the point of this, the reason I wanted to share this little uneventful story of my confusion, is to show how much of a difference even the smallest comment can make towards something as tremendous as one’s dreams, their goals. Those small comments, not aimed at having this effect, threw off all I knew. They threw the person I wanted to be into question. I know they shouldn't have. And you may argue that, if this really meant so much to me, how could I have let those words become such a hinderance? But they did. So, be careful. Always be encouraging towards dreams, towards those hopes and aspirations that live, grow and thrive off of nothing but encouragement.