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The Best Schmidt Quotes To Date

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate this thing called Schmidt."

Bethany Bray

Aug 01, 2016

University of Tennessee at Chattanooga

5426

Google.com/Schmidt New Girl

As this summer break begins to wind down, I have come to realize how much of my carefree and sunny vacation was devoted to spending a hefty duration of time indoors to appreciate the pompous remarks of television's most uppity personality. Though the entirety of "New Girl" is entertaining unaccompanied by the analyzation of each individual character, Schmidt undoubtedly offers the most comically egotistical messages out of all the Loft 4D roommates. Because of this, I have gained a new sort of gratitude toward Schmidt's quarrels, and I wanted to share some of my favorites.

1. "I'm not being overdramatic when I say that I would rather sit naked on a hot grill than wear something off of the rack." (Season 4, Episode 12)

2. "Now as my best friend I expect you to be willing to sacrifice everything for me at a moment's notice, including, of course, unfortunately for you, your dignity." (Season 3, Episode 1)

3. "Where do you even buy sheets like this? They have the thread count of a paper towel." (Season 2, Episode 6)

4. "Well, you have found my flabbergast button, and guess what? You've pressed it." (Season 3, Episode 11)

5. "You're listening to the radio and writing with a pen. What decade are we in?" (Season 1, Episode 20)

6. "I'm gonna go take a shower with Nick's bar of soap like a common ranch hand." (Season 1, Episode 16)

7. "I can't talk right now. I'm writing a strongly worded email to my florist." (Season 2, Episode 18)

8. "Without ash to rise from, the Phoenix would just be a bird getting up." (Season 4, Episode 3)

9. "You were denied a phone call because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost!" (Season 1, Episode 17)

10. "Would you line up around the corner if they called the iPhone a 'slippery germ brick'?" (Season 1, Episode 20)

11. "Do you just walk around all day thinking about other people's feelings? How do you get anything done?" (Season 4, Episode 2)

12. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go water my succulents." (Season 4, Episode 16)

13. "Please take that off. You look like a homeless pencil." (Season 2. Episode 22)

14. "If you need me, I'll be in my room listening to some mainstream hip-hop." (Season 3, Episode 4)

15. "Damp towel, damp! It's like a really big wet nap. I feel like I'm being licked by a golden retriever. Look at this bathroom. There should not be two girls in this bathroom. You're too humid." (Season 1, Episode 11)

16. "This is a horrible neighborhood. There are youths everywhere." (Season 1, Episode 13)

17. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate this thing Schmidt." (Season 3, Episode 14)

18. "You're wearing cargo pants? Hey guys, how are we gonna transport all this cargo? Oh, we have Nick's pants! We're saved! Take off the freaking pants, man." (Season 3, Episode 14)

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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The Best Schmidt Quotes To Date

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate this thing called Schmidt."

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Or at least try to do.

1. I will wake up (sorta) on time for class.

2. I will look decent for class.

3. I will go to the gym more.

4. I will go to the library and study more.

5. I will meet new people.

For those long nights that turn into mornings when the struggle is real.

1. Walk in motivated and ready to rock

2. Disappointed you let it get this bad

3. Distracted: When a 10-Minute Break Becomes an Hour

4. When the Yearning for Sleep Sneaks Up

5. In the words of Lorelai Gilmore "Coffee, Coffee, Coffee"

Oh, so done.

You need sleep, but also have 13 things due in the span of 4 days.

1. When it's December 1 and you have seven things due, three exams, and haven't slept in three days.

2. So you stress.

3. And cry.

4. Then call your mom to cry some more.

5. After the pep talk, you feel determined to get everything done.

6. But, now you're tired.

7. And really hungry.

8. Suddenly, it's 2 a.m. and you have only written three sentences and your paper is due in the morning.

9. You've made it to Friday... somehow.

10. Then Sunday hits and you find yourself back at the Lib.

11. So you cry some more.

12. But, you fight through the tears to get everything done because you're determined.

13. In the end, you feel on top of the world because you made it through the last week of class alive.

14. But, now it's finals week so good luck.

The ultimate list and gif guide to a college student's brain during finals.

What does the world outside the library look like?

Can I read this entire book tonight?

I should have gone to class more often.

Did the professor even teach this?

What is the lowest grade I can get on this exam and still pass the class?

Should I just drop out of school now?

Finals are ruining Christmas.

Just wrote three sentences so time for a break.

Need. More. Coffee.

What is sleep?

I'm too stupid for college.

Brain hurts.

Time for a Facebook Break.

I think I'm dying.

When will I ever need this information in the real world?

I can't read any of my notes.

I need my mom.

When was the last time I showered?

I need study snacks.

The struggle is so real right now.

"I want to thank Google, Wikipedia, and whoever else invented copy and paste. Thank you."

1. I'm so tired. I need a nap. Maybe I can sleep with my eyes open in class? Or pretend I'm not napping?

2. We have a test today? Why didn't anyone tell me? Did I know this?!

3. Can I quit school yet? It's only October, and I need a vacation.

4. The struggle is so real.

5. I'm so broke. SOS.

6. Stressed? Eat everything you own in your pantry and stuff your face with all your feelings.

7. "Did we have anything due in class today? Homework? Quiz? Test?" "Not that I know of..."

8. I need food. Where is the closest place to get food? I need it stat.

9. This is the longest day of my life. I need a drink, or two, or three.

10. Sleep? What is sleep? What a foreign concept.

11. When someone suggests going and studying in the library, let alone studying in general.

12. When the cafeteria or student center is packed and you can't find a seat anywhere so you literally have to sit in an abandoned corner.

13. When you see someone you used to hook up with. They see you, and approach you; so you have to pretend like everything is normal.

14. When you get your exam and realize you didn't study as much as you should have.

15. When you crush it on an exam or paper that you totally bullshitted.

16. I need a grande, extra strong coffee to get me through today.

17. When the professor announces you have a project due the following week with no instruction on what it's on and how to do it.

18. Is it Friday yet? Where's the weekend when you need it most?

19. It's freezing in here. I feel like I'm sitting in an igloo. I should have brought a jacket or worn long pants.

20. Did I remember my book? Damn, I forgot the book, and of course I need it for that quiz in class.

21. I would pay a million dollars to not go to class today; or actually never again.

22. I need a hoverboard to ride to class. Maybe then I wouldn't be running 15 minutes late to class every day.

23. Oh she/he's cute! I wonder if they're single. Who are they texting? They're BF/GF? I wonder if they think I'm cute. Could they be a potential new bae?

24. Why is there never any parking? I pay thousands of dollars a year for one parking spot to be open.

25. When it feels like you've been in class for an hour and you look at your phone and it has only been five minutes (I'm crying on the inside).

26. When the professor asks if there are any more questions at the end of class and someone raises their hand.

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