Have you ever stopped to think about what it does to a person emotionally when you cut off all contact with them without explanation? it's a painful situation that has left me tearing myself apart, thinking of every single bad thing about myself and wondering if thats why you walked away but knowing that I will never truly know. It has made me notice every flaw, every crack. has made me hate myself and has crushed any bit of trust I had at all in myself or in the people around me.
It's been months since we last talked—who would've seen that coming? I know I definitely didn't. So much has happened since we last spoke, and I've wanted you to know it all. Isn't that pathetic? Even though we're no longer friends, you are still the first person I want to tell when exciting things happen, I still look at things in the stores and listen to music and find myself wondering if you would have liked it, if maybe in an alternate universe I would have gotten it for you for your birthday. And it sucks because you're not that person to me anymore. You didn't want me anymore.
You were the one person I was supposed to be able to count on for anything. You used to be a phone call away, but suddenly you stopped answering. You were supposed to always look out for me, but then you were talking behind my back. We were supposed to be friends forever. I could close my eyes and picture you in my wedding, see you laughing with my spouse, teasing my future kids. but the next thing I knew, we were growing further and further apart. I spent our entire friendship taking care of you, and making sure you were safe, happy, and healthy. and I loved doing that for you. I loved being needed. I loved loving you. and then I wasn't enough anymore, and you threw me away. and now I wake up every morning wishing I hadn't. wanting to go to sleep and never wake up.
I am genuinely just confused. No matter the situation, the time, the date. I always made sure to include you, to make sure that you never felt like the outsider. I am sorry if it was too much to expect the same in return. I'm sorry if I am sensitive and you felt like you "couldn't be the person that [I] needed you to be."
I have never felt more lonely in my entire life. you were my person, my twisted sister, the Cristina to my Meredith. maybe I didn't tell you enough, or worse, maybe I told you too much.
I honestly don't know what I did, but it must have been bad, because you decided out of the blue one day that I was not worth your time or energy. you blocked me off all social media, unfriended me on facebook, you shoved me so hard out of your life that I lost sight of who I was. We have different lives I'll admit. I was busy, you were busy. Did I not give you enough attention? Did you feel abandoned by me? How can you just end a friendship that was so special and important?
I guess I just want you to know how I am genuinely feeling, and I want you to actually see this through my perspective because yes, I have looked through yours multiple times, and every time I realize more and more that I hurt you. But I also realize that this is something that could have been resolved if you just would have just talked to me.
But I guess that's life. Nothing is constant and no one owes you anything.
My guess with this whole situation is that it was a buildup of a bunch of things you were angry at me for. But how would I have known? You never ever told me you were upset with me doing something. And when you did I respected you enough to not continue with those things. I had always been respectful of you and your feelings. It Is just difficult for me to understand why so much chaos erupted over something so superficial. There is no way such a little thing could have sprouted such a large reaction. I guess that is something I will never understand.
I'm sorry that you felt the need to get rid of me in order to stop hurting me... I guess what you didn't realize is that this has destroyed me. I am absolutely shattered about the fact that I was not good enough for yet another friend. But not just any friend, somebody who I sat with in the emergency room overnight with because you fell drunkenly off a sidewalk. somebody who I felt like I could conquer the world with. the only person I was ever loyal to behind your back. somebody who I constantly had to talk off the edge, to always tell you how much you meant to me because it was what you needed to hear.
it hurts to know that when I needed the reassurance; you couldn't step up to the plate. that you wouldn't step up to the plate.
And as much as I want to be angry and curse at you and make it seem like you're the worst person in the world for not handling things differently I know I am so much better than that. And so are you.
I genuinely do apologize. I'm sorry that I led you to the actions that you felt you had to take to hurt me. I'm sorry for making you feel the need to be cruel, because I know that is not you. I'm sorry that it made me feel that same exact way. I'm sorry if my genuine feelings hurt you, you just need to know where I am coming from and how this has me feeling. I'm just sorry that it ever led to this. Because this something I never wanted for us. something I never saw coming, not from you.
I really do hope the best for you. You gave me 6 years of friendship that I would not take back even if I could. We went through our ups and downs and always managed to come back up from them. This just so happened to be one hole that could not be dug out from. Maybe this is just where our road ended. Either way, I know you are going to do great things, I'm just sorry I'm not going to be there to witness it all.
