To my former dearest friend,
I never thought my computer science class would actually give me something to hold on to. It was after two weeks of sitting across from you in class that I realized you were actually my dorm neighbor! I never am one for detail, which unfortunately becomes a reason that contributed to our demise.
But I do remember running around campus with you, trying to get those projects done for that class. From the moment I suggested we collaborate, I knew we would be fast friends. We even suffered through that tutor who explained everything in circles and confused the heck out of us.
From boy drama to family drama to just everyday drama, I honestly liked that I was a person you could talk to. You would vent, and I would listen. And when you asked for advice, I was honest. It's how we worked. And we worked well.
We even decided to room together, which I was so stoked about. I love creating a warm, welcoming environment to come back to after a long day. I know that I keep myself busy with a bucket load of classes and responsibilities for running clubs and being an active member on campus. But the coolest part was that I would come back to our room late and you would be there, working on some insane math equation or proof. I honestly do not think you know how smart you really are!
Yet the more active I became, the less I saw of you. Some nights you would not come home. At first, I would text you making sure you were okay and alive. But your absence became frequent, and there was a point where you did not want me to know if you were okay. So I stopped texting so often.
And when I threw that birthday party for you, I knew something was up. I brought all of our closest friends into our room to have a surprise hang out sesh mid-week because it was still your birthday and birthdays are great! I thought you would let me in, but you grew even further apart.
And then a week or two after your birthday bash, you moved out. When you told me over text, I was overcome with way too many feelings at once.
"Is she moving out because of me? Does she not like our room? What did I do? Why didn't she tell me what I did? Is she OK? What went wrong? What could I have possibly done?"
For three days I was an emotional wreck because I kept on thinking it was my fault. I couldn't sleep and I only continued to think it was my fault for awhile.
But then, like a wave of humidity hitting you as you leave the subway in New York City, it smacked me in the face. Why should I continue to try to reach out and be friends with you? You, who have treated me so horribly and left me out. You, who have completely cut me off. You, who have made me feel so unworthy of any friendship that I was baffled I still had friends after you left.
So I did. I left you behind, because you're a memory now. I accepted that you did not want me in your life. And yes, it took me a long freaking time to accept this, but I finally have.
I am a strong woman, without a doubt. But I am also blessed. I could not have made it without the central support from my most valuable friends. Without their caring, loving ways to show me that I still matter to them, I would have been a pile of raw emotion.
Only three times before had I experienced such a soul-shaking moment in my life than the week you left. But you made me stronger than I already was.
Thank you for being a part of my life. I believe everyone comes into my life for a reason. Maybe we were not supposed to be best friends, or even friends at all, but you did teach me how to deal with the unknown, to accept it.
Sincerely,
Me
