Falling in love with your best friend who was supposed to be the person who always was by your side from childhood until you realize the feelings of love you had weren't platonic but romantic.

Falling in love with your best friend was supposed to be a mutual realization that you don't want to live without this person, because you want to share every happy moment, and be there for every painful moment. It wasn't supposed to happen to the person you instantly clicked with your freshman year of college, it wasn't supposed to be the person you'd converse with over tea. Falling in love with my best friend wasn't supposed to mean falling in love with you.

I never realized what it meant to finally accept my feelings for you, I didn't realize the havoc it would wreck on our friendship and for that, I apologize. I didn't realize it would mean I couldn't be the same friend I used to be because all my opinions would be biased, no matter how hard I would try for them not to be. I couldn't tell you what to do about situations or even bother to listen to them because I'd be hurt that girl wasn't me. I wouldn't understand, until it was too late that it would be easy to mistaken platonic affection for something more because three am secrets could happen with anyone, it didn't have to be me. I didn't realize the complications having feelings for you would cause, especially when unspoken tension is left resolved but quite evident. Friendships are left ruined being so absorbed in how to make it seem like I didn't love you.

This kind of love was harder than any other kind of heartbreak because it's the kind where you have to decide which is more important to you, the friendship or the feelings in your heart. It wasn't the kind I could binge watch Netflix and binge eat Ben and Jerrys and wake up next week realizing I'm better than you. It was the kind where if I choose our friendship was more important, deep down I would still love you. Knowing that I ruined our friendship not purposely but by pushing you away so I could be good to you again, even with that there was no way we could go back to tea and poetry and why we are the way we are without feeling pushing through.

Therefore I apologize for ruining our friendship for something like love.