The other night I was sitting on the couch with my friend watching Naomi and Ely’s No Kiss List (a great movie, by the way) and we began to talk about life. Our plans for the future, renting an apartment, traveling, getting a new wardrobe, etc. What we want and wish we could do with our lives if there were no limitations. Throughout this talk, I began to realize I’ve been in a bit of a rut lately. Not necessarily a bad one, but a rut nonetheless.

The past year of my life has really opened my eyes. I’ve learned to be more independent and in control of what I want. I’m now stronger and happier than I’ve ever been, but due to the constant business of school, I’ve felt kind of stuck. All of my days are spent sitting in class, writing papers, riding the train, and getting 5-6 hours of sleep. There isn’t much time for fun or exploration in my schedule. So that night, I decided I wanted to change my hair. I wanted to cut it, start parting it down the middle, and dye it a different color because why not? I didn’t think much of the decision.

A couple days later, I was catching up on my YouTube videos when I clicked on The Gabbie Show’s new video titled “CUTTING ALL MY OWN HAIR OFF! *not clickbait*”. Feel free to watch the video here.

In this video, Gabbie discusses how she had not cut her hair, dyed her hair, or styled her hair differently for years because her hair had become her safety blanket. She felt having long, beautiful hair would distract people from her other insecurities and it gave her something to hide behind. She even goes on to make fun of herself for using her hair as a way to calm nerves with the way she’s constantly touching it. She finally came to the realization that she wanted to be free of this burden and cut it all off. The thing that intrigued me about this video was how self-deprecating she was. Whenever she went into the emotions that came along with the change, she kept saying things like, “I know this sounds stupid”. She kept apologizing as if she sounded ridiculous. I remember scrolling down to the comments to see half the people congratulating her and half the people hating on her for making her hair cut such a “big deal”. That made me so angry because the more and more I thought about it, the more I realized that, for most women, a haircut is not just a hair cut.

How many times have you encountered a woman who chopped all of her hair off after a bad breakup or divorce? How many times has a girl you’ve known changed her hair drastically after a change in job or school? Though not every hair cut accompanies a big change in a woman’s life, it’s safe to say a good majority of the big hair transformations do. According to Hairfinder, “Dramatic changes in style and look do generally accompany a shift in a woman’s sense of identity. Sometimes it is a reflective response – a new look on the outside to go with a whole new outlook in the inside”. The chopping motion of the scissors, the loss of inches of hair very much goes hand in hand with the dropping of dead weight in your life. It’s a release, a way of letting go of the past and starting new.

I’ve been through many drastic hair changes in my life, but when I think of one that was much deeper than just a cut, I think of last winter. If you’ve read any of my past articles, you know that the summer of 2015 was a very rough time for me. Over the course of a few months, I had lost a good majority of my friends and I had a mental breakdown near the end of August, just around the time my freshman year of college was beginning. It’s safe to say I didn’t start the school year off on the right foot. I was very closed off; I refused to talk to people. I was depressed and seeing a therapist once a week. I felt very alone even though I was the one isolating myself. All of my trust had flown out the window.

Slowly, but surely, I made a few, very close friends and began hanging out with them all the time. I started feeling better, but every time I would come home, I would be reminded of the people I lost. I still carried around with me the pain of betrayal and I had no one to turn to in my own hometown. I sat around most weekends, waiting for the school week to begin again so I could see my new friends. One night during winter break, I attended a Christmas party at my friend’s house. This friend was one I never really hang out with in high school but after graduation, we had developed a pretty close bond. When I arrived, I saw so many old friends from high school that I never talked to anymore. I talked to all of them and spent the whole night laughing and recalling good memories.

That night marked an epiphany for me. Here I was, under the impression I had no one, but there were a bunch of people there who loved me and cared about me, even though we barely saw each other. I thought the end of high school meant the end of these friendships but you can’t just turn off your emotions. You can’t force yourself to stop caring for someone. I had taken it all for granted and that night, for the first time ever, I laughed at the thought of the people who hurt and abandoned me. I laughed at how much control I let them have over me. I swore right then and there to start living differently. I decided to let go. I decided to cut my hair.

My hair was always pretty long. I liked it long and everyone who knew me complimented me on it. They always told me not to cut it but I was ready. The last week of winter break, I walked into my salon and decided to cut 10 or so inches off. My hair stylist asked me if I was sure and I had never been so sure of anything in my life. The moment her scissors cut through, I felt a wave of relief. I was no longer that girl who got walked all over. I was beginning a new chapter in my story, one that had nothing to do with those people anymore. Sometimes we all need a fresh start. By the time the haircut was through, my hair was just brushing my shoulders. It was a huge change for me. I posted a lot of pictures of social media and many people complimented me on my new look but I don’t think any of them knew just what it symbolized for me… until now.

My hair the first day of my freshman year of college.

My new haircut during winter break.

Every decision a person makes in their life has a reason behind it. One doesn’t usually move blindly. Everyone has a motivation. Cutting your hair will never be considered one of your most important decisions but in the moment, it can seem like a big step. If you ever see a girl getting emotional over a haircut, it’s never as surface level or superficial as it looks. Every haircut has a story and there’s nothing wrong with that.