Waking up every day dealing with depression and mental illness is not something I would wish on anyone. If I could find someone I call an enemy, I would not even wish it on them. I would like to think I do not have enemies in this world. True, I may have angered people throughout my life. I know my father hates my guts. And I'm fine with that. Because he's a psychologically, emotional and verbally abusive person who I have no contact with. I can't wish this on him. Because he already has it. I couldn't wish it on my neighbor, a relative, a cousin, or even a co-worker. For all I know, they have it too.

You have no idea what a person with depression looks like. You also don't know what a person with mental illness looks like. They could be making $9.00 an hour or $125,000 a year. They might be living in a studio apartment or they might be living in a $3 million dollar house. They might be riding the city bus or they might be driving a $200,000 vehicle. You can't tell by simply looking at someone. But waking up with this thing called depression is a horrible thing. It's a disease that doesn't go away. You can't turn it off like a light switch. You can't wake up one day and decide for it to be gone.

It doesn't work that way.

Depression is a battle from within. You can have the best day that you could ever imagine and then thirty seconds later, you could hit a downward spiral and go into a funk that you stay in for two days. It makes you not want to leave the house, not socialize, not go out with friends, stay up late, lose jobs, go into a self-pity moment or hour that could last a week. It's something that most people don't understand. Yes, you control it for a temporary period with medication. You can control just about anything with pills. Some people are so depressed and fighting mental illness in such a bad way they require severe medication, psychiatric therapy and to be locked up in a mental ward to be evaluated and treated. Others commit suicide because they can't beat the demons that are tearing them up from inside. This is real. Depression is a battle from within that I can tell you from experience, nobody wins.

If you wake up one day and feel like you are in a depressive funk, having a bad day, or just can't get out of that mood, don't go into a head spin, get your panties in a bunch and be prepared to shit yourself. Don't start going into a panic mode thinking, "Oh God. I have depression. Holy Jesus. I can't have this." It's possible you just might actually be having a bad day. And I'm here to tell you, people with depression and mental illness have a lot of bad days. It isn't something they want. It isn't something they've asked for. It's not even something they've requested from God in a nighttime prayer. They simply have it. And they can't wake up one day and ask for it to disappear like a fart in the wind. It doesn't work that way.

Depression makes people act in ways they would not normally act. They say things they might not say. They lose relationships and friendships. They even lose families. I did. My parents could not realize that depression makes people act in ways they might not act. So rather than trying to be supportive, stand up and be there when the help is needed, they walked away, cut ties, and have had no relationship. Now I question if my brother is bipolar or not. I question if he's had depression and mental illness. I've been told it runs in the family. I'm absolutely certain my sister has something. She's accused my brother of sexually abusing her. Then she moved in with him, her kids, his kids and my parents all sharing a basement. Hell, they have holidays together and they watch each others' kids. How's that? I'm assuming that would be something that would make her act that way. She's had a violent abusive behavior for years, she's mistreated people her whole life, and she has no clue what she's dealing with. Hell, I've done the same thing. That's what depression and mental illness make people do. It makes them say things they might not. It makes them act in ways they would not normally act. But in this case, my parents turned their back on me. They embraced my sister and all of her off-the-wall lying behavior. They even opened their arms to her ex husband who has routinely lied, cheated and stolen from them. Hell, my dad opened his arms up to my brother's wife at the time who accused him of sexually abusing my brother's children. They let her stay in the house. By the way, yes, my dad has depression and mental illness. Maybe that's where I got it from? After all, don't they say that this kind of shit is genetic?

Now you may think I'm opening up my heart and soul to the world out in the public to read all of my dirty laundry. That is actually not the case. What the purpose of this article is for is to explain to people that depression exists, mental illness exists, and you can't wake up, flip a switch and turn this crap off. You can't go, "hey, I don't want to be depressed and have mental illness" and have it gone from lunch hour to dinner. That doesn't work. It's not going to happen. Once you have it? I don't care how many pills you take, how many people you have sex with, how much alcohol you drink, or what you do with your life (including stepping in front of a train), there is one way that you stop having depression and mental illness.

You die.

And for the record, that has been the cause of thousands of people's deaths in this world. I firmly believe they do not want to die. I do not believe they want to hurt themselves or hurt others. I think they just want the demons to stop. I think they just want the hurting to stop. They don't want to be judged anymore. They don't want to be cast out. They don't want to be walked out on like so many have. They don't want their parents hating them, criticizing them or like in the case of my father, verbally, psychologically and emotionally abusing them for their entire life until it finally becomes too much and they don't want to deal with it.

In my case, living to me is much more important. It's a challenge. To continue fighting this battle. To continue beating this demon. To continue slugging it out, punching away, and coming up swinging. I don't take medication. I don't get electric shock. I don't even drink more than a beer on occasion. I have a pretty routine normal life. I have a good job. I live in a nice house. I have two normal kids. I've been married for almost half my life. Hell, I've outlived most people that have this. Most of them end up committing suicide, drinking themselves to death or overdosing.

Mental illness and depression haven't beaten me. I'm still here. The battle from within still rages. I still have no inclination or intention of ever talking to anyone in my family again. Hell, they're as bipolar and mentally ill as anyone I've ever seen or met. And that's fine. It's almost an enjoyable thing knowing that I'm doing better than all of them, I make more money, live better, and they still deal with the same bullshit as I do.

That's what mental illness and depression do to a person. It makes them give up friendships. End relationships. Stop being social. Stop going out. Stop living a normal life. It makes them do drugs. It makes them have problems with money. It makes them quit jobs. And at times it turns them into a horrible person. Then there are those others who don't quit fighting. That don't quit battling the demons from within. There are those that never want to give up the fight with the hopes that one day, someone will look back and say, "that dude sure did fight a lot of shit, lead a fucked up life, and battle a lot of demons, but damn if he never quit."

That's me. I'm never going to quit.

Depression and mental illness are with you from the first day you get it until the last day you breathe. The only way to beat it? Is to die. But the best way to fight it? Never quit. Keep on swinging. And know that tomorrow wants to see you.

I hope to see you there. Yes, I'll still be depressed. I'll still be battling mental illness. But goddamn, I'll still be here. I hope you will be too. And I hope to see you then.