pIt’s Bachelor season ya’ll! Meaning the next twelve weeks will be filled with, crying, true love declarations, cat fights and broken hearts “in the most dramatic season yet”. So, grab your glass of wine cause it’s time to tune in to 21 women tearing each other apart for the attention of Arie, a Formula One racecar driver turned real estate broker.

I know I am excited to see the return of the infamous Kissing Bandit! (Arie is arguably the best kisser the show has ever seen. I mean who could forget him pushing Emily against the wall in season 8…. so hottt!!!)

So let's get the drama and day drinking started!

The episode opens up with Arie trading in his racecar for a motorcycle racing down the California coast to pick up a girl for his first one-on-one date. Back at the Bachelor Mansion the girls drink mimosas ( ahhh here comes the day drinking) and talk about the man that they are all in love with before Chris Harrison, in true Chris Harison fashion, interrupts with the first date card of the season.

Becca K. ends up getting the first date card! I’m not sure I’ve ever seen this girl before, she might the girl that made Arie “propose” when she first got out of the car. But who can tell, these girls all look the same. Of course, all the other girls are so jealous of Arie and Becca K. (who shouldn’t be confused with Becca M.) as they ride off into the metaphorical sunset together.

Apparently, the first one-on-one date is a reenactment of the movie Pretty Woman as the date is devoted to restyling Becca K., they even bring in Rachel Zoe to help plan out her date outfit. She then models all of the options for Arie, which is only a tiny bit weird… ok, a lot a bit weird. Then he tells her that she can keep all of the dresses she tried on AND that he bought her Christian Louboutins! Like are you kidding me! I mean where else can you go on a first date and get a new wardrobe of evening gowns and Christian Louboutin shoes? That’s some Bachelor magic right there! And if the date couldn’t get any more extravagant a random guy in a suit shows up with the most gorgeous set of diamond necklaces, earrings, and bracelets for her to wear with her date dress that night.

Arie sends Becca K. back to the mansion with her diamonds and an entirely new wardrobe, which is a bold move on his part as there is a bloodthirsty mob waiting as she does a quick haul of all of her new goodies.

The second part of their date is actually super cute. Arie even said that Becca made his heart smile and that all he wanted to do was make her feel special on the date which was super adorable and totally won me over.

Krystal, aka the fitness girl who led with “I’m a Libra” in their first sit down meeting surprises everyone and gets the second one-on-one date of the week. Their first date is a "casual trip" on a private jet to Arizona to frolic around Arie’s hometown. Honestly, if any guy, televised or not, sprung a last-minute “meet the parents” date on me that early in a relationship I would freak out and probably call the cops. This is even more insane than Becca's shoes. Five seconds into the date and Krystal already annoys the crap out of me, if she says “You’re home!” one more time I’m shoving bread down her throat.

The whole thing was very forward and seemingly forgettable… and I just wanted to mute the TV.

For the group date, Arie thought it was a great idea for the girls, who have done nothing for the past 2 days except sit at the Bachelor mansion seething in jealousy and day drink, to have a demolition derby. The last woman standing gets the trophy. Seriously which production assistant thought that this was a good idea?

Aaaaand the drama starts right away with the first break down of the season when Annalise starts crying because of bumper car trauma from when she was a kid...then starts ramming into girls like she does this every Saturday night once the derby starts.

Seinne ends up winning the Derby but with her win comes a few casualties. Apparently, Brittany got so injured during the derby that she wasn’t able to make the cocktail party and no one seemed even remotely concerned.

At the cocktail party, Chelsea immediately steals Arie away as soon as he is done talking. She basically uses the fact that she has a 3-year-old as a way to get Arie to stick his tongue down her throat. Effectively landing at the top of my shit list with Krystal, and it looks like she’s on everyone else’s as well.

On the other hand, Seinne is beautiful Yale graduate, who should probably be running for President rather than competing for Aries heart, who barely graduated from high school then worked at pizza hut.

THE KISSING BANDIT RETUNED when Arie and Bekah M. had some one on one time… but I’m a little worried about this age gap that everyone keeps talking about, like girl are you even legal I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with a drink in your hand!

Before the Rose Ceremony, we finally see that Brittany is alive and well (yay!) but, I’m pretty sure she’s mildly concussed. During some one on one time Arie gave her an award for “Most Hardcore” at the Derby, so I guess that makes up for it. Meanwhile, the entire mansion is plotting ways to murder Krystal and get away with it for stealing away Arie for the gazillionth time even though she already has a rose. If they need someone to hide a body they should give me a call. Thank god Bibiana says what everyone else was thinking and puts her in her place 🙌 🙌 Krystal seems to be trying really hard to piss people off and frankly she makes me want to vomit every time she’s on screen.

Queen Bibiana: “You upset me and you upset everybody else…nobody is going to respect your time. You just dug a big ass hole for yourself. Good luck Krystal, I’m done with you. I think you really need to take some time, maybe tomorrow, do your little workout, and meditate a little and reflect on what you just did cause there are a lot of angry people here and I’m just the voice. Mic drop. ”

Shutout to Bibiana for being the only sane, real person on this show right now 👏👏👏👏

Moving on to the rose ceremony, Valerie, Lauren G, and Jenny all got sent home. But slow claps for Jenny who got the last word in, I’m going to miss her even though I have no idea who she is.

All I really care about is Bibiana getting the final rose of the night! Her feud with Krystal is one of the only things bringing me back next week.

My girls this season are Brittany, Bekah, Tia, Becca K. and our derby winner Seinne.

‘Till next time! May the odds be ever in your favor ladies!