Around Christmas of my senior year of high school I slowly started to notice myself changing. At first subtly, manifesting in copious amounts of handwashing and hand sanitizer. Then certain thoughts started to bug me. A little while later I had issues walking through doorways or touching doorknobs without thinking the “right thing.” With the help of my family, most notably my mother, after a couple months of feeling like I was losing my mind, I sought psychiatric help.
Turns out, taking such a big step in life such as graduating high school, as well as being involved in my first romantic relationship, triggered a long-time dormant but subtly obvious Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, accompanied by Severe Anxiety. It’s a scary thing to think that your whole world is changing when in reality you’re just losing your mind. A little joke. But seriously. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, 40 million Americans, or 18% of people 18 or older, struggle from some form of anxiety disorder. Additionally, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is found in 2.2 million Americans, with the average age of those affected falling around 19.
The stereotype is that we’re neat freaks. Often manifesting itself through a fear of being contaminated, also coined as “germaphopia,” it also shows in a need for symmetry or order (i.e. straight-hanging pictures, food not touching, only eating green Skittles, etc.) and aggressive or horrific thoughts. Sometimes, rather than seeking mental help they fall into depression. Affected people are often prone to gravitate to substance abuse or self-harm as a way of escape. Based on research by Mark Pollack of the Department of Psychiatry at Rush University Medical Center, “more than 90% of those who die by suicide have a diagnosable illness such as clinical depression, and often in combination with anxiety or substance use disorders and other treatable mental disorders.”
Some of the most upbeat, energetic people suffer from anxiety and depression. Too afraid of what others will think, they will forego medication, which often results in substance abuse or other unhealthy coping mechanisms. They feel it is a defeat, or at least, that’s how I felt. But it’s not so much about admitting you need help as it’s about opening up a door for yourself. The doctor who diagnosed me explained that often those who suffer from OCD and Anxiety try to wrestle with their mind and self-correct, which creates a circle, trapping you in a constant revolution downward; fighting it is actually helping it. Acceptance, understanding, mindfulness; these are things that break the circle. Medication is simply to assist your brain in producing more serotonin, a chemical that transmits information from different parts of the brain and is also believed by researches to be a cause of depression if found in low supply within the brain.
There are many forms of anxiety, and often they are tied to other mental illnesses or disorders. Working in tandem, they can make rolling out of bed, or even going to bed a pretty harrowing trial. Knowing who you are, and accepting who you are with your disorder are just the beginning steps of a life with just a little more baggage than some people. But who doesn’t have baggage? Finding outlets for yourself are even bigger steps in coping and growing from your disorder. I’ve found that for me, writing and performing help keep my mind busy and focused on other things.
In the end, accepting who you are in spite of these things is what I’ve found to be one of the biggest but relieving steps. Like 40 million other people in the country, I just have a little more to deal with, but that’s okay. I have people in my life who push me forward through my disorder and I have outlets that give me liberation. And sure, like life, it continually finds ways to resurface and challenge me, but by accepting it I not only acknowledge one maybe not so perfect part of myself, but I accept who I am, blemishes and all! So don’t be afraid to seek help! Take the steps to become better and know that you aren’t alone. It’s just a bump in the road.
