anorexia tricks you like candies trick hunger.
one of the most damaging errors about anorexia nervosa is the view of this disorder as a “teenage nonsense”, a transitory superficiality of people who have nothing worse to worry about. nothing could be further from the truth. the worst thing is that this not only generates social misunderstanding of the problem but that the very people who suffer from it end up doubting themselves, listening to their loved ones say “i don’t understand how you got into this, with how smart you are”.
the first thing to understand is that falling into anorexia has nothing to do with intelligence but with emotions. all human beings have emotional needs, and anorexia (we’ll call it that because it’s not you, it’s that disorder that has gotten into your life) promises to cover them just like a bag of “candy” cheats hunger.
so, what does anorexia promise?
self-confidence. this is one of the first sweet tastes that tricks you, in two ways: giving you a sense of control and a feeling of ability and success by “at least” keeping your eating at bay... but the taste doesn’t last, and soon the feeling of control is replaced by a feeling of being increasingly controlled by the disease and a sense of lack of control in all other areas of your life. the feeling of ability is followed by a threat of failure every it’s never enough for anorexia.
self-esteem. similar to the previous one, anorexia tints the weight loss with a sweet deception: “when i have lost those kgs-lbs/when i reach this weight, i will accept myself”. you think that you will love yourself when you achieve this, but the truth is that anorexia is a hyper-demanding perfect lady for whom nothing is enough. sometimes you may get the impression that you are about to reach your “goal”... but it is impossible, the criteria changes every time, in a cruel game that is cheating, addictive and, above all, dangerous. even if you think that this is not going to happen to you, that you only need those “x” kgs-lbs and you will stop: would you accept someone saying “i will love you when you weigh x”? what kind of love and acceptance would that be? why do you accept it from that inner voice?
to be different, special. this candy is one of the biggest scams, because it promises to give you what you already have. i’m going to ask you for a little difficult exercise. think about the day of your funeral. look at the faces, listen to what they say about you. do you think they’ll remember how many kilogrammes-pounds you lost, the a’s you got or the medals you won? do you think they’ll miss your achievements? i can tell you that they won’t: they will miss you, they will smile in tears remembering the bad mood you used to have in the mornings, they will miss your style of doing things, they will cry evoking that occasion you shared together and that, just because you were together, it became special. what makes you special is not your appearance. not even your achievements, although they are admired. not even your extreme generosity, if that is the case. what really makes you special is that unique combination that makes you YOU and not someone else.
to improve your relationships with others. sometimes, among the sweet promises of anorexia, there is the promise of improving your relationships: looking more attractive, more popular... or sometimes, “at least”, avoiding harmful criticism, insults, and teasing. anorexia is confused again because the core of the problem of destructive criticism is not in the person who receives it, but in the person who does it. if you were insulted, it wasn’t your fault. if you want to improve an aspect of yourself, please do so because you want to, not because you want to avoid the judgment of others who, not being comfortable with themselves, devote themselves to offloading their aggression onto those they perceive as more sensitive to their criticism. on the other hand, popularity or attractiveness is another unhealthy treat for the heart... it gives us a sweet but transitory taste, but if we have no more than that, we end up hurting from hunger and emptiness. you need people who love and accept you unconditionally, and whom you love and accept unconditionally: people who, knowing your worst faults, still love you in spite of everything.
sense of strength and independence. the taste of this feeling is as if you don’t need anyone but yourself. in the beginning, anorexia is your world, which you totally control, where you feel strong and powerful. but that strength is based on a lie: the denial of your physical and emotional needs. and because it is a lie, you can’t hold on to it for long. anorexia cheats to satisfy the need of the other without giving up its supposed independence: it manages to keep many people looking out for you through the symptoms because what real autonomy can a person have who at this moment does not know how to take care of themselves? you can also cheat to satisfy the need for food and enjoy eating through binge eating and vomiting. all cheating, as you can see. a vicious circle that does not feed you.
eternal childhood. in the first decades of research, anorexia was called the peter pan syndrome precisely because of this trinket: it promises to take you to neverland and never grow up. this would take away many worries: taking charge of your life, your future, your decisions and your mistakes, your relationships and their conflicts, your sexuality... however, life around you does not stop and soon the pain of feeling paralyzed/ tastes more bitter than all those fears you avoid.
self-punishment. the relief from guilt is a bitter treat, but a treat after all. perfect-lady-anorexia can end up criticizing you for every step you take, every thought you have, every emotion you have. and then it will seem to you that the only way to alleviate the feeling of guilt is self-punishment: sacrifice more, try harder, torture more. it’s not. the root of this torture is in that form of criticism. self-punishment will only accentuate the problem further. stop it as soon as possible.
anorexia may have hooked you up with one of these treats, with several, with all of them, with others that are not on this list... but the important thing is to be aware, the first step to recovery is recognizing that there is a problem; the eating disorder becomes your comfort zone, and that’s a problem. you deserve help and support in this, please talk about it.
and remember, you are NOT your eating disorder.
