Both my sophomore and junior year of high school, I was privileged to have had one of my favorite teachers for both Honors and AP English. Mr. Girt not only assisted me in becoming a better student and writer, but also helped open my eyes to the surroundings of the world around me.
At the end of reading any literary piece of work, he would always write the question, "What is life?" across the huge whiteboard. He wrote this to us to contemplate what life meant to each specific author or poet. After reading any piece we would always respond in about a paragraph or so, explaining what we believed the writer to have thought what "life" was. As any high school student, I thought this was the dumbest exercise ever. But, towards the end of the school year, I realized how important this three-word question really was.
So, what exactly, is this thing we refer to as "life?"
"What is life? Life is an unpredictable thing. You can't just tell what will happen tomorrow from the events of today. Do things for people who are closest to you, and tell them things you want them to remember most. Because life's too delicate, and tomorrow's never promised..."
-Keelian Cenami, (January 2013).
At the beginning of 2013, during my sophomore year of high school, I lost one of my best friends. He might not have been the most spry when it came to running around and playing outside, but we had a definitely had unique friendship. It was the kind of friendship where we could just look at each other when someone said something or we saw something and knew what the other was thinking, and we would laugh about it. No, telepathy may not be the word to use, but it was something along those lines. The connection we had was really special. On January 26, 2013, I lost my best friend. He may have 65 years older than me, but that couldn't have changed the special connection we had. The loss of my Papa prompted me to question what it is about life that has us so on edge, so nervous, so frightened. When I lost my Papa, I began to question a lot about life, death, regret, and gratitude. When I woke up on that Saturday morning, I just had a gut feeling and knew that something wasn't right. I heard a loud cry, coming from behind the closed door of my mom's bedroom. When she was finished talking to my aunt on the phone, I met her in the hall and looked her in the eyes. No words were exchanged, but with the expression on her face, none were needed. We both knew. Instead, we exchanged words through our eyes. And with that, I let out the most unforgettable, excruciating scream. Although hot tears poured out and streamed down my face, I couldn't manage to let out a scream loud enough to express how broken and empty I felt at that exact moment.
Very recently, I unexpectedly lost a very good friend of mine. He was one whom I had grown up with from the time I was 5 years old. As we grew up, we also grew apart. But when we were together, it was like nothing had changed. The sad part is, that's the truth with a lot of friendships. As friendships fade, we lose touch with that person. In some cases, you can feel the thread between you two breaking, while with other friendships, the color of the thread may fade, but it's still as strong as it has always been. For me, I want to believe that I was a good friend ... But at the same time, I tell myself, "A good friend would have known." And although I missed the signs and signals that might have led to my friend's end, I know that I could not have done anything. And I cannot beat myself up about it. I can only replay the memories we made within the back of my head each night before I go to sleep, and even more when I wake up the next morning. When you lose someone, everything freezes. For that person, there will be no more memories, no more breaths, no more heartbeats. They were simply taken from us in one swift moment.
You may be gone, but I will never forget you.
VI.XIV.XVI.
The saddest part about death is that death creates a feeling of despair, emptiness, and fear when anticipating the unknown. Whether the death that we have been faced with has been predicted based on someone's physical condition or if it was very sudden, that loss sticks with us forever. We frantically rack our brains, searching for answers. Is there anything we could have done to prevent this death? We feel guilty for not feeling like we did enough for the person whom is now deceased. For, when a person passes away, we feel as if we've lost a part of ourselves as well. A part that will never return to us, but will always be part of us.
When we lose a loved one, many times their story is overlooked. I'm not talking about the story of how the person passed away--no. I am talking about the life that they lived up until their last breath, their last heartbeat. Often when we speak of those that have been lost, others ask how "it" happened. This tends to cause the accomplishments of the person whom has passed away to be overlooked. For instance, one may have been taken from us due to stage 4 Esophageal Cancer. While yes, this man may have lost his battle to cancer, but that is not his story. His story would have included the fact that he was an extremely strong person, and his battle throughout cancer proved that. His story includes his favorite sports teams, quirky hobbies, and lifetime goals. How he lost his life is not equivalent to all of the accomplishments he was able to achieve during the time where he breathed regularly and his heart beat. When people lose their battles, we cannot let their stories fade away. The people whom we have lost are not their downfall to the Angel of Death. Because of the necessity of accepting a loved ones death is not an easy one, we always think of it as "too early" and "too soon" to lose someone whom was important to us. But the truth is, there is never a 'good' time to lose someone we care for. Many times the Angel of Death gives no warning as to who will be its next victim.
I believe the Angel of Death further goes on to haunt the living, those whom knew the recently deceased. The Angel of Death is a metaphor that represents the guilt and uneasiness that is left behind after the loss of a loved one. This "Angel" sits both over our heads and within the pits of our stomachs. The empty feeling eats away at the living, as if we could have prevented such disaster, such loss. This guilt, this uneasiness hangs over us, reminding us and challenging us, as if we could have done more ... We should have done more. But, in reality, it is us who stand in our own way. We must accept that our loved one is gone, and has gone peacefully. It is we, the living, that struggle with the idea of peace, as our minds have been rattled, memories distorted. As hard as it may be, in order for our loved ones to pass peacefully, we must come to peace for them.
The crazy part about life, is that nothing is predictable, nor is it promised, that is, except for death. Death is unavoidable. Death is inevitable. However, in light of such a dark time, we must remember that each love, life, and death does not discriminate against one another, nor discriminate towards a single human being. All are experiences that each human encounters.
