It’s virtually impossible to avoid advertisements. They "pop up" on our computers, they plunder our television shows, they clutter our snail mail, they... hey, by the way, do you want to buy a gently-used Duquesne hoodie? - one size fits all - honest! You get the idea.

If we have to suffer these commercial indignities, it’s best to squint at them because, upon close inspection, some of the claims they make are downright unpersuasive, if not outright silly: “It’s 100% natural!", followed closely by, “It’s organic!”

Yeah, well so is cow dung, but you won’t see me sprinkling cow dung on my granola.

I suppose chemistry majors know the difference between "'organic" and "inorganic." Probably a few spelling bee champions do too. What I really want to know is: Who makes a better spelling bee champion, one who’s organic, or one who’s inorganic? When do you ever see an advertisement about that, huh?

1. “Lifetime membership” to the gym.

Certainly not *your* life if the gym itself passes on before you do.

2. “We’ll be there to fix your furnace in 24 hours or you don’t pay.”

If, for some reason, they cannot make it to your house within that time frame, what are the chances they will come back *after* 24 hours to do it for free? You haven't paid them, ergo, they're not under contract.

3. “We treat you like family.”

*Cough* The Manson Family..

4. “Our recipe has been in the family for years.”

Has it sucked for years, too?

5. “Doctor recommended.”

What doctors? Medical? Ph.D? Dr. Dre?

6. “Kills 99.99 % of all germs.”

But that .01% is all yours, baby.

7. Toilet paper commercial: “Do you feel commando clean?”

Not like the Schwarzenegger movie, either.

8. Commercial for chocolate: “Life’s eternal chocolate.”

So your chocolate has a half-life?

9. “Quality since 1976.”

And before that was...bollocks?­