Before we get started, I should probably explain the “Drumpf.” I recently watched this video (which, by the way, is 21 minutes and 53 seconds you will not regret) with talk show host John Oliver, where he basically talked about why Donald Trump would make an excellent Commander in Chief. During the show, he brought up how Trump’s family’s last name was originally “Drumpf" before they eventually changed it to “Trump.” Honestly, I much prefer Drumpf. It just has a nice ring to it, no? So, from here on out, I will be using “Drumpf” instead of “Trump.” Only the best for our future fearless leader of the free world.

*Also, just in case you too prefer “Drumpf,” you can download an extension on Google Chrome that will change every single “Trump” on your browser to say “Drumpf” instead. You’re welcome.

But we’re not here to talk about The Donald’s family, we’re here to discuss why he’s the one you should be voting for:

1. Donald Drumpf reminds us what is key in order to have a successful country: division among the people.

Who needs unification when you can instead have people rising up against their friends, coworkers, and neighbors, spewing prideful hate. Division among the nation is the bandage to all injuries; I mean, I’m almost positive that it will cause crimes rates to drop to an all-new low. Racist and sexist insults only make a nation stronger, and if you can’t see that, then you’re just an idiot. Which probably means you’re either a woman or not white. Or both.

2. He is a true lover of “we the people.” And by people, I mean white people.

Melting pot schmelting pot. Who needs a diverse nation full of culture from all over the world, when you can have a nation full of basic, racist white people? America was founded with white people, so let’s keep it that way. Hand me a brick and a trowel with mortar, Donald Drumpf, and I’ll help you build the wall myself. And while we’re at it, let’s go ahead and build one on the Canadian border too. Because even though they’re white, they’re not American white, and honestly, we just don’t need them down here polluting our streets with their moose and maple syrup.

3. He is basically the biggest advocate of women that history has ever seen.

Haven’t we all seen the comical, friendly banter between he and Megyn Kelly? It’s no wonder he’s winning so far, he’s just the kindest man. Even his cute, harmless, and not at all offensive comment about how if Ivanka wasn’t his daughter, he’d “definitely be dating her” made America swoon with affection at this man who is just very clearly a “family man” in the truest sense of the phrase. Because if I’m being honest, I’d be nothing but flattered if my dad said that to me.

4. His ability to say what he means is nothing short of perfection.

It’s hard to pick what my favorite thing about Drumpf is, but as an English major, I really appreciate his ability to properly, coherently, and intelligently answer any question thrown his way. He doesn’t squander for words or babble nonsensical things that completely do not answer the question or address the topic at hand. He is direct, he is confident, and he’s so good with words, his ability to describe his own finesse is much better than mine: "I know words, I have the best words."

5. If there’s one thing Drumpf knows how to do, it’s how to bring about peace between our nation and others.

Nothing says “Let’s all get along and have solid, healthy international relations” like sending over nukes full of love. I can’t believe not one of our previous presidents ever thought of that.

6. He knows that keeping the American Dream alive is a priority, and he's ready to go with a plan to do just that.

When you ask most immigrants why they came to America, their answer will almost definitely be the very definition of what we like to call the “American Dream.” It’s something that’s vital to the very essence of our country, and I’ll be darned if Drumpf’s plan to make it more alive than ever isn’t the most inspiring thing I’ve ever heard.

7. And, as if all of those weren’t reason enough, take a look at that hair. And that tan.

I mean, come on, y’all. It’s a no-brainer. Who wouldn’t want their president to look like the distant relative of an orangutan, or a tall, disheveled Oompa Loompa? I think we can all agree when I say that Drumpf is both #hairgoals and #beachtangoals.

All in all, it’s clear that Drumpf is the obvious choice for our POTUS. There is no one finer, no one more intelligent, no one more ready and capable of repairing our nation (except for maybe The Socialist, but that’s an entirely different article). So let’s change those “#NeverTrump”’s to “#ForeverDrumpf”’s and put this worthy man in office. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve made plans to skip down the street sprinkling red, white, and blue confetti everywhere with my good friend Davie Duke.

#LongLiveDonaldDrumpf