Hello, my fellow college students! Spring break is on the horizon and that means so is swimsuit season. Some of you, like myself, may not feel like you have the ideal swimsuit-bod, so you turn to your only option despite the pain and suffering you know it will cause: working out at the Rec Center. For your safety and knowledge, I have listed the stages that working out at the Rec entails. It is important to know what to expect when working out, as the consequences of not being prepared could be catastrophic. I wish you all luck on your future gym endeavors.
Stage 1: Realizing you need to go work out
Whether it was your impending spring break trip to Mexico, the sight of fit peers on campus, or a simple desire to look and feel healthy, it has been drawn to your attention that you need to go to the Rec Center. Don't worry, this realization is not a commitment. You have a few days or weeks to use your excuse of "I'll go tomorrow" so there is no rush, but it is important to remember: Swimsuit season is coming.
Stage 2: Committing to your work out
At this point, you've exhausted your excuses of ditching the gym, so it is time to commit. You will create an idea of a work out in your head and chances are you are not going to stick to it because you'll be dead after 15 minutes on the treadmill. It's okay though because at least you'll die trying.
Stage 3: Choosing an outfit
Now that you've made your gym commitment, you must try to save at least a little face during your horribly awkward workout session by looking like you somewhat belong. This means putting effort into your appearance without looking as if you did because you are going to work out after all. You may look a little basic, but the point is to blend in and have as few of eyes on you as possible.
Stage 4: Entering the Rec
You've made it. You are now walking into a different world: A world of gains, health-nuts, and self-loathing. As you tiptoe your way in, attempting to go unnoticed, you feel the judgmental eyes of those who practically live here. They seem to mouth the words "You don't belong." Undefeated by this display of dominance by the gym rats, you walk up to the damned hand scan machine, which probably won't work for the first five tries, but do not be phased; You are here for yourself, and you are the only one who matters.
Stage 5: Choosing your machine
Hallelujah! You've made it past the first few obstacles, so nothing can stop you now, except for maybe the small detail that you don't know how any of the weird gym contraptions work. You may try your hand at a couple interesting looking machines, but the scoffs you'll hear from nearby exercisers will hurt your pride. You will settle for a common machine that you DO know how to work such as a treadmill or elliptical. Again, there is no need to worry as you will look supernatural working out on a such an easy machine.
Stage 6: Competition
Ahh, now here is where the fun starts. You'll start out your run on a lower speed and difficulty, but then some kid will come next to you and start going faster than you. You obviously can't let this happen because you are the true ruler of this Rec Center, so you go ahead and turn it up. Soon enough, you and that annoying kid and deadlocked into a race, a race for eternal gym glory. You will prevail even if you have a heart attack and die because you haven't done this much cardio in a long while.
Stage 7: Giving up on cardio
Eventually (and by eventually, I mean probably around 15 minutes), you will be completely wiped out from your cardio and choose to stop and move onto something less tiring. As soon as you get off the machine, quickly maneuver to a different area of the Rec because the only people who know that you are that sweaty after 15 minutes of cardio were the ones nearby at the time. As for everyone else, you could have been running for hours for all they know.
Stage 8: Weightlifting
The weight area may be the most unsettling of the entire Rec. The people here barely qualify as people; They are superhuman. They will be lifting enormous sums of weight, doing curl ups on high bars, and basking in their muscular glory. Compared to these gym gods, you are nothing but a peasant they could squash like a bug, but you hold your head high you little gym bug you because you deserve to be here just like anybody else. So go grab those 10-pounders with pride!
Stage 9: Satisfaction (or dissatisfaction) with performance
Congratulations! You have finished your workout (if you can call it that)! At this point, you are either very proud of what you accomplished or disappointed that the five sit-ups you did do not give you rock hard abs. Either way, give yourself a pat on the back because you did what no mere mortal has ever done: You survived the Rec Center.
Stage 10: Reward
Once the celebrating has ceased, now it is time for your reward. You may be tired or even sad after your workout, and now you can eat away your feelings knowing that you worked off the calories beforehand. Sure, yeah, just keep on telling yourself that your little work out covered all that calories in your Big Mac, large fries, and milkshake.
