I have a fear similar to Ben Higgins on The Bachelor. He has a fear of being unloveable. I do not have that fear; I know in my heart that everyone is loveable, but I my fear is that I will not find the person who is capable of loving me in the way that I need to be loved. I worry that there is not a person out there who loves to the extent that I do. What if I do not find my match or my other half? What if there is not someone out there who has “my crazy kind of love,” as my friend, McKenzie’s, grandmother used to say. There is probably no one as crazy as me. My whole heart is in it. I give. I need someone’s entire heart; I need someone who gives 100 percent of effort.

There will be a day that I will fall for you…

That will be the day that my heart will be completely yours

That will be the day that I will feel incomplete without you

That will be the day that I will entirely commit myself to you

That will be the day that I will light up from my bushy hair to my rugged heels for you

That will be the day that I will have only eyes for you

That will be the day that you will be the only one to me

That will be the day that I will smile uncontrollably as soon as your step into the room

That will be the day that my thoughts will be only of you

That will be the day that I put in all of my effort

That will be the day that my mission and purpose will only be to show you how deeply I love you

That will be the day that I will become clingy and needy

That will be the day that I will need your reassurance

That will be the day that I will get obsessive and become infatuated

That will be the day that I will care for you more and more each day

That will be the day that I will see you as special and unique

That will be the day that I will show you how crazy I am for you

That will be the day that I will speak my mind based on my feelings

That will be the day that I enjoy arguing with you because it means we both care

That will be the day that I appreciate your differences

That will be the day that I will be myself around you

That will be the day that I love you for you

That will be the day that I genuinely want to spend all of my time with you

That will be the day that I desire to give

That will be the day that I show you how much I care

That will be the day that I tell you how much I care

That will be the day that I long for you to show me off to the world proudly

That will be the day that I feel like family with you

That will be the day that I want you to love me unconditionally

That will be the day that I will love you unconditionally

That will be the day that I want you to fight for me

That will be the day that I want you to stand by me

That will be the day that I expect you to drop everything for me

That will be the day that I would drop everything for you

That will be the day that I would do anything to make you happy

That will be the day that I want to create memories with you

That will be the day that I want to have new shared experiences with you

There will be a day that I will fall for you…

That will be the day that you stop trying

That will be the day that you stop chasing me

That will be the day that you get bored with me

That will be the day that you want more

That will be the day that you are no longer excited to see me

That will be the day that you stop appreciating me

That will be the day that you will feel smothered by me

That will be the day that you lose interest

That will be the day that you stop texting as much

That will be the day that you stop asking me how I am

That will be the day that you give up on the idea of calling me

That will be the day that you stop saying sweet things

That will be the day that you no longer care

That will be the day that you no longer look at me with shining eyes

That will be the day that you no longer see me as beautiful

That will be the day that you start looking at other girls

That will be the day that you wish you were with your ex who showed no emotion

That will be the day that you stop reaching my expectations of a loving boyfriend

That will be the day that you push me away

That will be the day that you hold back

That will be the day that you think twice about me

That will be the day that you change your mind about wanting to be with me

That will be the day that you distance yourself

That will be the day that you say you want space

That will be the day that you keep me a secret

That will be the day that you want to send me back like a return item in a clothing store

That will be the day that you only take

That will be the day that you no longer love me the way I need to be loved

That will be the day that you no longer surprise me

That will be the day that you stop fighting for me

That will be the day that you close yourself off

That will be the day that you no longer do romantic gestures

That will be the day that you no longer have energy for me

That will be the day that my love becomes unrequited

That is why I refuse to fall for you.

I have a fear that this will happen time and time again. I fall in the blink of an eye, and, during that blink, he backs off from me.

I need to say no and close myself off until I am absolutely sure.

Now you know.

I can’t get my heart broken again. And I know it will be me whose heart ends up breaking, just like I know it will end up being me who cares more in the relationship.