So, you’re thinking that ending your life would be better than living another minute with all the problems you’re facing? Ya, okay. I’ve been there, a few times actually.
The first time I was about 13. I self-harmed and thought about a million different ways I could carry out leaving this world. But something stopped me then. The second time, I was in my early early 20s. Maybe 19 or 20. I was extremely depressed and I often times felt all alone. I drank a lot and wished that I could just go to sleep and not wake up. But something stopped me then, too. And the last time was earlier this year. I currently suffer from depression and PTSD due to a severely traumatic and tragic loss. I went completely numb and shut a lot of people out. But something stopped me then as well.
So, you’re probably wondering what stopped me, right? Okay, so here it is. This is my big secret that saved my life three times. I couldn’t be that selfish. Even though those three chapters in my life are some of the darkest, incredibly lonesome times of my life, I couldn’t bring myself to do that to the people that did care for me. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I wanted the pain to just end. I wanted to be at peace. But for some reason, there was always something that got in the way of my plans. First it was my boyfriend, calling me just to say hi. The second time, it was a text from my mom telling me she loved and missed me and she couldn’t wait to see me for Christmas. And the third time, it was the thought of my family feeling the exact same way I felt. I just couldn’t let the people that I loved so incredibly much deal with the guilt of something that wasn’t even their fault.
I know that the thought of all the pain being gone seems so amazing. I know how enticing the idea of all the demons finally being gone can be. But I also know how amazingly beautiful life can be. I am familiar with the love this world has to offer even to the most damaged people. In between those three abysmally dark chapters are some of the most amazing memories that I have experienced in my short time on this Earth. And I owe it all to the people I surround myself with. You see, even when I was the loneliest I could have been, there were people out there that I didn’t even realize cared about me. An older lady that worked at a gas station I frequented. My old neighbors. A few long lost friends. They all noticed when I wasn’t around. They all missed me. And they would have missed me forever had I been as selfish as my thoughts were in those dark moments.
My mom and dad would have had to plan a funeral for their only daughter. My family would have had to try and pick up the pieces that I left behind. My dogs would never understand why I abandoned them. My friends would sit up at night wondering what they could have done to save me, when in reality, I could only save myself. All of the people I surrounded myself with, their lives would have been forever changed. The holidays would be a little darker, my birthday would pass by and it would hurt their hearts and remind them of how much I must have struggled. The pictures we all took together would be the only memories they had left. And I couldn’t bring myself to do that to them, because no matter how much pain I was in, no matter what demons I faced, they shouldn’t have to carry that burden because I couldn’t carry my own.
I am currently going to therapy. I write a lot. I try to keep myself busy. But there are days when I can’t get out of bed. There are days when I really just wish I could just not exist. On those days, I remember why I feel that way, and I go do something to get my mind out of the dark corners. I’m a work in progress. But I am constantly trying. And that’s all I can do. And that’s okay.
So, when you feel alone, when you feel like life will never get better, force yourself to remember that it will. Remind yourself that you are worth every beat of the heart that is pumping blood through your veins. Take it from someone that has been where you are, life does get better.
If you are struggling, please, talk to someone. There is always someone willing to listen. If you feel uncomfortable talking to someone you’re close to, there are organizations that are always there to help. You are NEVER alone.
http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
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