Beep.
The light illuminates above the square platform that has just arrived to transport you to your destination.
You enter and release a sigh of gratitude as you find that you have the elevator all to yourself. The harmonic jazz tunes that play softly in the background mimic the sweet serenity you feel in your soul.
You stand in the center, basking in the incomparable delight of having a peaceful, spacious journey as you await your ascension to the seventh floor.
The metal doors slowly begin to come together as you are sealed for freshness.
Then suddenly, as if by a cruel trick of fate, you hear, “Wait!”
You snap out of your delicate reverie to see a tall, lanky human emerge from the depths of the lobby. He manhandles the door and stops them from their fateful close. He steps inside so you respectfully yet begrudgingly move to the corner, allowing the fashionably-late newcomer to get settled.
He stands in the center of the machine and stares at you with his eyes. You thought this couldn’t get any worse. You thought this would be just like any other day. You thought everything would be okay, but then this stranger decided to attempt to make eye contact with you.
Your pulse is racing. Your face is flushing. Your hands are clammy.
Just then, the unimaginable happens. He opens his mouth and out comes an audible sound. It was the kind of thing you only heard about in scary stories and horror movies. You pinch yourself to make sure you aren’t stuck in a nightmare. No, no this cannot be happening.
The stranger in the elevator just said, “hello."
Elevator Etiquette 101
Okay, so we’ve all been there. It’s like a Kennywood ride with all the screaming kids but without all the fun.
The elevator is a place where many awkward situations may arise (or a-fall). Why, oh why, does this machine’s 30-second journey bring us such discomfort?
Maybe it’s because we are forced within an arm's length of strangers. Maybe it’s because we are subconsciously anxious about putting our lives in the hands of a box dangling from a few chords. Maybe it’s because we were trapped in a Holiday Inn elevator in Ohio for four hours when we were 12 and the foreign manager kept calling us “Polly” and shoving towels through the crack in the door until eventually they opened the ceiling and stuck a ladder down to rescue you, leaving you feeling as empowered as when the Emperor presented "Mulan" with the sword of Shan-Yu. Maybe that was just me.
In the United States, there will be over 120 billion elevator rides in one year. That’s a lot of chances for you to be awkward.
1. The Conversationalist
There will always be that one person who wants to talk to you in an elevator. It’s not just a polite “Hey, how’s your day?” it’s more of a “Yeah, so my boss wants me to go golfing with him this Sunday but I had dinner plans with a hot girl I met at Sea World and I know I have to finish my W-2 Tax Form before the premiere of 'Game of Thrones' but also I’m trying out the Atkins diet and…”
Your mission:Smile and nod along. Give occasional, never-lingering eye contact. If the person continues the one-sided conversation for an unfathomable amount of time, look into your purse and you say, "Don't worry Hopkins, it's almost our floor." This will make the person stop talking to you. If they do not stop, then that is even weirder than you talking to an imaginary rabbit, so hop out on the closest floor.
2. The Do Not Disturb Sign
You enter. There is a person standing like a stone in the middle of the elevator, staring straight ahead with the blankest expression you have seen since the Grey Spell struck the villagers in "Halloweentown 2: Kalabar's Revenge."
Your mission: Say nothing. Do nothing. Blink appropriately. Secretly check their pulse to make sure they are okay.
3. The One Eating A Taco
There are many kinds of people in the world. There are nice people. There are funny people. There are nice, funny people. But, the absolute worst people are the ones who bring delicious Taco Bell into elevators. They aggressively eat burritos in front of you and you angrily wonder what you ever did to deserve such a thing.
Your mission: ABANDON SHIP. Get out of there, and I mean fast. These types of people cannot be trusted.
4. The Mob
Standing in a crowded elevator often feels like you are on an episode of "Fear Factor" except no one wins a million dollars and everyone smells weird.
Your mission: Avoid any conversations that might reveal spoilers about the Netflix series you are watching and do not pull out a pack of gum because everyone will want some.
5. The Overeager Button Pusher
This is the person who races you on the gym track even when you don’t know it. The person who always gets the last word in the conversation. The person who reminds their professor to collect the homework.
Your mission: Tell them you are going to floor seven. If you are looking for some entertainment, pretend you also need to go to floor nine and floor 11 and watch their confusion. This is a feeble attempt at humor, but could prove effective with the right audience.
Do not try to press buttons for yourself or you may lose your hand and dignity.
We must accept the inevitable. The elevator is a place where awkward situations may arise (or a-fall). Ride with pride.
