For seven years, I struggled with looking in the mirror and seeing what some perceive as “beauty.” When I looked in the mirror—if I did at all—I often kept my eyes locked on my hair or my makeup, but never on my body. To me, my body was disgusting and there was only one way to change that: bulimia. At such a young age of nine, I had it instilled in my brain that in order to be beautiful, I had to be skinny and stay skinny. This mentality traveled with through middle and parts of high school, pushing me to engage in other harmful activities to my body. It wasn’t until I began to really get sick that I said enough was enough; it wasn’t until I started therapy that I realized that my eating habits and bulimia could kill me, so I stopped.

This is Thanksgiving from a different standingpoint.

Anyone who has or had an eating disorder knows this to be true: eating around company is intimidating. Thanksgiving is even worse. All of your family—most of which knows what you’ve been through because let’s face it, families gossip too—gathered around a table giving thanks, and filling their plates. Now it’s your turn and all eyes are on you and your empty plate. You reach forward and begin to make your plate, but not without them watching. They see what you put on your plate, portion size, and once you’re done, you take a deep breath and wish on all the stars that no one asks you “so how are you doing?” Everyone begins to eat, and small talk is being made. You pipe in every once in awhile, but internally, you’re thinking “how the hell am I going to finish all of this,” and you know that you won’t so you stop, but not without it being noticed. You look up, and not one, not two, but three or more eyes are staring at you, judging you. You cower in your chair, patiently waiting for everyone to clear their plates and leave the table, while you stay behind and catch your breath. Although you didn’t finish your plate, you’re satisfied with how much you were able to eat, and smile. You stand up, put on your game face, and join your family for some fun and games.

Then it happens all again next year.