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Thanksgiving Advice From An Existential Nihilist Turkey

If it means anything to you...

Amanda Reed

Nov 24, 2015

University of Pittsburgh

105

Thanksgiving Advice From An Existential Nihilist Turkey

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Hi. I'm a turkey. I give great advice, despite the fact I ostracize myself from other humans/turkeys. Here's some advice on how to survive Thanksgiving:

1. Exercise choices

As a free and independent person, you can choose to do whatever you want. On Thanksgiving, there are lots of things to choose from. You can have every single side, but not have turkey (aka me). You can just get a whole plate of mashed potatoes. You can grab the cranberry sauce, make a speedy escape, then contemplate the state of your happiness. It's up to you, friend.

2. Realize the turkey you're eating had a meaningless life

If you say you don't eat turkey because you "care about their lives," please leave. Coming from a first-person point of view, all I do is gobble, eat, breathe, and have small social interactions with other turkeys. I accept fate. I will probably end up roasted or fried on a table. I live my life with that fate as a burden on my shoulders, so please eat me in all of my delicious glory.

3. Life is meaningless, eat up

The heat-death of the universe is inevitable and we all turn to dust, so live life to the fullest and eat all that you can, while you can.

4. QUESTION EVERYTHING

Is the turkey you're eating really turkey? Did Aunt Ida really make that stuffing all by herself? Why are you here at this moment? Do you really enjoy Black Friday? Are you making independent choices, or are others dictating them for you? Never stop asking.

5. Be thankful

There's not that much in this world that is wholly good and innocent, so take a moment to appreciate stuff that is, like your family or your friends or your dog or whatever your tiny mind believes is great and wonderful.

The great Danish philosopher Kierkegaard (aka bae, amirite?) once said, "Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced." By "life," he meant "Thanksgiving," so go out, live, and experience this all right holiday with those you tolerate.

Nihilist Existential Turkey

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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Thanksgiving Advice From An Existential Nihilist Turkey

If it means anything to you...

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The Best Lines from the Fab Four

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you

Love is old, love is new, love is all, love is you

There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be

Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend

He say, "I know you, you know me", One thing I can tell you is you got to be free

Oh please, say to me, You'll let me be your man. And please say to me, You'll let me hold your hand

It was twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play. They've been going in and out of style, but they're guaranteed to raise a smile

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see

Can you hear me? When it rains and shine, it's just a state of mind

Little darling, it's been long cold lonely winter. Little darling, it feels like years since it' s been here. Here comes the sun, Here comes the sun, and I say it's alright

We danced through the night and we held each other tight, and before too long I fell in love with her. Now, I'll never dance with another when I saw her standing there

I love you, I love you, I love you, that's all I want to say

You say you want a revolution. Well you know, we all want to change the world

All the lonely people, where do they all come from. All the lonely people, where do they all belong

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends

Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday

And when the brokenhearted people, living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be.

And anytime you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

I'll give you all I got to give if you say you'll love me too. I may not have a lot to give but what I got I'll give to you. I don't care too much for money. Money can't buy me love

All you need is love, love is all you need

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Though I know I'll never lose affection, for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them. In my life, I love you more

Obviously the best superpower.

There have been many lessons learned.

1. The importance of traditions.

2. How to be thankful for family and friends.

3. How to give back.

4. What the word "community" really means.

5. That it isn't about the destination, but the journey.

6. The consequences of making bad choices.

7. To trust people, until you have a reason not to.

8. To be welcoming and accepting of everyone.

9. How to be my own, individual person.

10. How to work for what I want.

11. How to be great at giving directions.

12. How to be humble.

13. To be well-rounded.

14. How to be great at conflict resolution.

15. The beauty of getting outside and exploring.

16. To be prepared for anything.

17. That you don't always have to do it alone.

18. How to be creative.

19. To brush off gossip.

I have never been so thankful to know you.

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

Don't freak out

Email the professor

Attend the first class

Keep attending class

Have a backup plan

Remember that everything works out at the end

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