Hi. I'm a turkey. I give great advice, despite the fact I ostracize myself from other humans/turkeys. Here's some advice on how to survive Thanksgiving:

1. Exercise choices

As a free and independent person, you can choose to do whatever you want. On Thanksgiving, there are lots of things to choose from. You can have every single side, but not have turkey (aka me). You can just get a whole plate of mashed potatoes. You can grab the cranberry sauce, make a speedy escape, then contemplate the state of your happiness. It's up to you, friend.

2. Realize the turkey you're eating had a meaningless life

If you say you don't eat turkey because you "care about their lives," please leave. Coming from a first-person point of view, all I do is gobble, eat, breathe, and have small social interactions with other turkeys. I accept fate. I will probably end up roasted or fried on a table. I live my life with that fate as a burden on my shoulders, so please eat me in all of my delicious glory.

3. Life is meaningless, eat up

The heat-death of the universe is inevitable and we all turn to dust, so live life to the fullest and eat all that you can, while you can.

4. QUESTION EVERYTHING

Is the turkey you're eating really turkey? Did Aunt Ida really make that stuffing all by herself? Why are you here at this moment? Do you really enjoy Black Friday? Are you making independent choices, or are others dictating them for you? Never stop asking.

5. Be thankful

There's not that much in this world that is wholly good and innocent, so take a moment to appreciate stuff that is, like your family or your friends or your dog or whatever your tiny mind believes is great and wonderful.

The great Danish philosopher Kierkegaard (aka bae, amirite?) once said, "Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced." By "life," he meant "Thanksgiving," so go out, live, and experience this all right holiday with those you tolerate.

xo

Nihilist Existential Turkey