The moment I laid eyes on you I knew there was something special about you. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, and every time I lost sight I would scan the room until I found you again. I had to find out who you were. When I finally did, we talked every day for hours at a time, and we never ran out of things to say. We had (almost) everything in common. I felt like I could trust you. I told you things that I had never been able to tell anyone else before. You made me smile the same way I did when I was a little girl. You made me forget about all of the chaos that was going on in my life. You made me feel like I was the only person in the world. I thought I had finally found “the one.” You were everything that I had always dreamt of and more.
I started to imagine what our future would be like. I thought about what our wedding would look like. You didn’t like to dress up so it wouldn’t be anything fancy, but no matter what, it would still be perfect. I could see you teaching our son how to play baseball, and you would be so protective of our daughter and make sure to scare the living hell out of any guy that came to take her out on a date. I could see us spending the rest of our lives together.
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Out of nowhere, everything changed. Messages throughout the day became few and far between. Some days we wouldn’t even speak. When we did speak you would have some excuse that I knew wasn’t true. I could tell that you were acting different. I refused to give up even though I knew that you already had. I never expected the person behind all of my smiles to be the same person that caused me so much pain.
You were never truly mine, but losing you broke my heart. I would have went to war for you, and you wouldn’t even lace up your boots. I gave you my all, and in the end, you gave me nothing. You wouldn’t even give me an explanation. All I wanted to know was what I did wrong. I wanted to know why I wasn’t good enough. I felt so worthless.
The first couple of weeks were hard. I felt so lonely because I no longer had someone that I could talk to every day. I would pass you on the road, and I would just break down. I would lay awake at night just thinking about what I could have done differently. I wondered if you were thinking of me as much as I was thinking about you. I couldn’t enjoy some of my favorite things, because they were your favorites, too. Everything I did reminded me of you.
You were brought into my life for a reason. It took me a while to figure out what that reason was, but now I know. When I met you I was weak and vulnerable. I didn’t know how to stand alone and be my own person. I always played things safe and was terrified to try new things. Thanks to you, I am stronger. I am trying new things with every chance I get, and I am certainly not afraid of taking risks anymore. Most importantly, I have found myself, and I am learning to love me for me. I know that I deserve better.
I don’t know if anything you told me was real or if it was all just a lie to make me fall for you. I don’t know if I want the truth now or not. I do want you to know that I never blamed you for anything even though I should have. I always blamed myself for letting you in. I got my hopes up and that was my fault.
After everything that I have been through, I have always wanted the absolute best for you. Whether it was with me or not, I always wanted you to be happy. I hope you find the happiness that you deserve.
