This Thanksgiving, American people across the nation are expressing gratitude towards the brave U.S. Government officials committed to keeping the citizens of this great land safe from ISIS and potential terrorists disguised as Syrian refugees.

Government officials agree that the rigorous refugee application and screening process clearly lends itself as an attractive channel for terrorists. The process usually takes over 18-24 months, with many rounds of interviews, numerous background/biological checks, and only about 50 percent of the applicants passing.

As one Government official put it: "Clearly, it makes a lot of sense that a terrorist would try to apply for refugee status and undergo the most rigorous screening of any traveler to the U.S. instead of using other, simpler avenues."

Of the almost 750,000 refugees that were admitted to the U.S. since 2001, none have been charged with acts of domestic violence; however, a whopping two were linked with various activities associated with Al Qaeda. As compared to the over 1000 people killed by police just this year and the thousands of Americans murdered by mass shootings and gun violence, the threat of refugees hurting U.S. citizens is obviously more likely and pressing. With huge numbers like these, it is clear that the refugee resettlement process is, in fact, the most horrendous danger to the American people.

Politicians have also addressed another deadly statistic – the fact that more than half of the refugees admitted to the U.S. are children.

Concerned citizen, Jessica Alvin, of New Jersey expressed gratitude and relief as she heard Governor Chris Christie’s statement that he would refuse all refugees from Syria, even 5 year old orphans.

“Everyone knows 5-year-old orphans are the most deadly militants of the ISIS recruits. I’m just thankful to have a governor that fights to protect us from this very real threat.”

In regards to displaced youth, one politician emphatically supported the idea of restricting aid: “This way we can leave an entire lost generation of Syrian youth with no resources, education, or hope for the future. In no way will this drive them into the relentless acceptance of and recruitment by radical groups which will in turn perpetuate an endless cycle of violence. From a sociological standpoint...it’s all good.”

Other significant politicians, such as Donald Trump, have suggested a database to keep track of all American Muslims.

His peers agree: “You track and ID because you care. Heck, I put ID on my dog…it’s because I love him! It’s for their own good. No, forcing Muslims to carry ID and be placed in a database doesn’t resemble Nazi Germany at all.”

One Washington official summed it up for all of us:
“As we sit down this Thanksgiving, it’s important to remember the history of our Great Nation. My forefathers came to this country as well-meaning refugees pilgrims on the Mayflower. They were welcomed and given food and resources and skills by the Natives. The Pilgrims arrived by boat with vulnerable families, risking their lives just looking for a life free of persecution and hatred and violence perpetrated in their homeland. And they found asylum in this Great Nation that stands for life, liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. This is completely different from the Syrian refugee crisis.”

All in all, American citizens can rest easy this Thanksgiving knowing our country is standing up for the values and ideology we were founded on. As the Statue of Liberty says,

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door

...unless you are a Syrian Refugee".

Disclaimer: Note that this is a satire article. Many of the quotes in the text above have not been stated by their mentioned figures, and are in use for the sole purpose of political satire.