I have been going through an extreme rough patch. Whenever I get home from class, I lay in bed for hours. It's hard to be motivated to finish school work, or work, or clean. I like Netflix. I like my stuffed animals. I like my bed. That doesn't mean I feel OK when I am laying in bed by myself. It's almost harder there. Actually, it is definitely harder there. It's difficult for me to be alone. I can't seem to stop any of my thoughts when I am alone. I can't stop my tears, my overwhelming sadness, my crushing fear. I don't like being alone.

That doesn't mean that I am good at being around people. At night, it's fairly easy to ignore texts or calls to go out. It feels like too much work. I feel like I'll be exhausted if I try to step out of my bed. I am exhausted when I step out of my bed. Progress is not any easier than regression. So it becomes this uncomfortable argument in my body, the want to stay in bed and wallow in my sorrows versus the big task of walking to my car and seeing someone.

During the day, it can be easier. I'm on campus most days from about 8 a.m. until 4 p.m., so there is lots of time to see people. I get to campus early, I grab my coffee, and I sit in the Union. I sit, I do work, I freak out because writing any of the thoughts in my head is an unbearable task that must be done and that I seem incapable of doing, and then a friend walks up. A friend, with a smile, and a "good morning," and a story. I love when people walk up. It distracts me from the chaos that whirls in my head. It's not good to always be distracted from my problems, but it is good in moments. I am so appreciative of those moments. When I am alone, it's hard to recognize who Meg is. I have lost my passions, I have lost my feeling, I have succumbed to sadness and numbness and exhaustion. But when people are around, I see glimmers of Meg. I feel myself smile, I feel myself laugh, I feel myself joke. And my problems don't always feel like the biggest things in the world. In those moments, the biggest things I need are smiles and friendship and nice people to share that with.

I think this is an article that I have wanted to write for awhile. I have never been able to succinctly put into words, never been able to eloquently describe in my head, what people mean to me. What this world means to me. And I think, deep down, I just want friendship. I just want to share love with people. And I get so excited whenever I am able to do that. Now, in this time of sadness and anxiety, I can only think of people I love. There isn't much that goes through my head anymore. Thoughts feel like a distant memory when all of my energy is focused on being sad, being anxious, being frightened of something that I am not yet able to see or define. When I am numb, when I rest my head on the Union table while I listen to people talk, I feel love. It wafts over my head, it overwhelms my senses. It's nicer than the sadness, or the exhaustion, or the anxiety. I am sadness, sadness, sadness. But I am love, love, love.

I love laughter, I love smiles, I love sarcasm. I love listening to stories, hearing them be retold for the next person to show up, goofiness that does not need an excuse or an explanation, the soft kindness I feel when people give me a glimmer of Meg. I don't talk to many of my friends about how incredibly down I feel, so they don't really know how hard it can be for me to smile on my own. It is difficult to think of happiness when all you want to do is sleep. But I don't have to think about it when I am with my friends. They have it, and they give it to me willingly, and I am so, so grateful. I can't explain how thankful I am for the lightness that is passed to me.

I love people. That is all I can think right now. My texts seem so repetitive to my boyfriend, how frequently I go between love and sadness. But I love him, and that is all I can think about when I attempt to find goodness in my little bubble of exhaustion. I am sad, I am overwhelmingly sad, I am fitful tears and runny noses and clenched muscles, but I am love. I am in love, I am full of love, and that is the goodness in my little bubble. That is the kindness that I feel, that is my hope for better days. It can be hard to love myself at times. But I love people. And I am thankful for those who love me. And I am thankful for those who make me smile.

I don't think people realize how kind they are to me when they offer a smile, or a laugh. It is so nice.