Why I’m Thankful for My Depression
I am so thankful for my depression. Endless days and nights of crying so much there are no tears left. Sitting alone in my room, drowning in my negative thoughts. Overwhelming waves of sadness with no knowledge as to where they come from. Questioning my best friends and families love for me. Pushing those I love the most away, leaving me alone and helpless. Feeling like I have no control over my emotions, powerlessly giving into these random bad moods, once again ruining my day. This is only a small preview of what my personal experience with depression has been like, and I can without a doubt say I am thankful for every single part of it.
I could go on for hours about my experience with depression—not for attention or sympathy, but because there is just too much to explain... So I’ll give you the shortest possible version (you’re welcome); but before I start there are a few things I would like to make clear not just for me, but on behalf of most (may not be true for all) people who actually have depression.
- Depression is definitely not a phase.
- Just because somebody seems happy does not mean they do not have depression, or that they are “faking” depression. (Who would even pretend to have such a thing.)
- There is a difference between feeling depressed and actually having diagnosed depression. Both suck.
I was diagnosed with depression my freshman year of high school and again (by a different doctor) my junior year. For as long as I can remember, I have always been outgoing, loud, overly friendly, and believe it or not— I have always been extremely happy. Since middle school I would have those “bad days,” not knowing why, but everyone has some bad days, right?
As I got older and entered high school those “bad days” kept getting more intensified, and were happening way too frequently, soon it was a daily thing. “I had an amazing day, nothing happened or went wrong, so why do I feel this way?” I ask myself this question every single day. With everything I know and have learned about depression, it still frustrates me that I could do everything in my power to have the best day possible and still have these bad moods take over me entirely in just the snap of a finger.
It’s my junior year, and I’m now constantly switching medications for my anxiety and depression, and I am the most unstable I’ve ever seen myself. My moods went from on top of the world, to the very, very bottom. By the spring of my junior year, I was hospitalized for the first time (out of three) caused by my depression. Later that week I was told by my parents that I was going on medical leave for the rest of the school year (just around two months—but they were the longest, worst months of my life) so that I could get help and “heal” in time by my senior year.
My immediate reaction? From kicking and screaming to begging and pleading for my parents to let me go to school, I was not accepting the fact that I was actually going on medical leave and being homeschooled. “What are my friends going to think?” “What is everyone going to think?” “What do I say to people if they ask?”
These questions (and a million more) were swarming around my head for the next few days. I could not believe it--why was I going on medical leave for depression? I had finally reached my breaking point, and even on my good days, I still didn't feel myself.
For the first period of my medical leave I was doing so horribly, I was absorbed in self pity and anxiety. I had became consumed by my depression and barely able to feel anything else. I hated feeling this way more than anything, and I still do. Words cannot describe the way depression makes you feel, not even my own thoughts can. I would not wish depression on my worst enemy. The way it messes with your head could and does destroy you. I couldn't handle it anymore. I was even afraid to hangout with my friends because I kept telling myself that nobody wants to be around “that depressing sad girl” because obviously, that's not any fun. My mind was filled with absolutely nothing but negative, horrible thoughts.
Suddenly over the summer, I finally had the epiphany. I couldn't allow myself to be this negative and upset anymore, and I finally realized that depression isn't just something you deal with or put up with. Depression is something you have to work at, so that’s exactly what I started doing.
I spent my whole summer of 2015 trying to heal and become myself again. Aside from training myself to push all of the negative thoughts out of my mind every time one popped up, I also starting purposely thinking of random little positive things to make myself happier. I acknowledge little things that would happen to me on the daily, and be thankful for them. For example, I think of things like somebody holding the door open for me, eating a meal I enjoy, having a family that loves me, listening to a song I enjoy, the list goes on and on. All of these things I took for granted before, I am now using to make myself a happier person. This is how I cope with my depression.
Finally it was my senior year. I was thrilled for so many reasons; I was finally back at school and with my friends, I was caught up with all of my work, and it was senior year, who wouldn't be happy to finally be graduating high school?! I learned so much from depression and all I wanted to do was share from my experience and see if I could help other people dealing with their own issues, whatever they may be.
I spoke to my school about my depression during one of our “Meetings for Worship,” which is a meeting we have once a week at my Quaker school. Immediately after I spoke I felt love and support from not only my whole grade but other grades as well, and I felt comfortable with myself and my community. I finally felt completely open with everyone, and not ashamed or embarrassed of myself at all. It was when this girl a few grades below me walks up to me after meeting, and thanks me for what I said. She told me how it made her realize she wasn't the only one with depression, and that she no longer felt alone. Nothing made me happier than knowing I helped one person. I felt so satisfied, and that is why I am writing this article. I want people in situations similar to mine to know that they are not the only ones struggling with something, and that there are ways to get better.
I no longer judge others because just how people vaguely knew what was going on with me, you never know what somebody else could be battling. Everybody has their 'thing.' For me, my 'thing' is depression, it's not a big deal nor it does not separate me from others. Everyone at one point in their life goes through some sort of experience that changes their life, for the better or the worse. In my case, it was up to me wether depression would change me for the better or worse. I have a positive outlook on not just my life but life itself, and I have nothing else to thank for all of this but my depression. Depression does not define who I am, at all. However, depression is undoubtedly a big part of who I am, and just like I’ve been taught to love myself, loving myself involves loving that part of me along with all the others, and I do.
I am so thankful for my depression. Hanging out and laughing with friends that I love and who love me back just as much. Finally being able to focus in school. Not thinking about the little things that bother me. Enjoying time spent with my family. Being there for my friends when they need me the most, being able to understand their issues and give useful advice. Not feeling lonely. Not judging others because you never know what somebody else has going on in their own life. Going on long drives listening to my favorite music. Being genuinely happy and a better person than I’ve ever been. When I was at my worst point I wished to be my old self again, little did I know the person I would later become would be ten times kinder, nonjudgemental, open minded, and more positive than the old me. I am beyond thankful for my depression.
