It took some time to realize that my last semester in college did much more damage to my mental health than I realized. I thought winter break would cure all my stress and anxiety, and I would feel much more ready and excited to return to college for my spring semester. However, I became stuck in a cycle of anxiousness due to stress from trying to find jobs and internships. It seemed as of the stress was never-ending, and I felt like I was drowning. Sometimes we're better than others, but It came close to the new semester starting, I developed this sinking feeling that told me I was running out of time. You see, I had this perfect plan of finding both a job and an internship before I went back to school. I did not find work my fall semester––however, my fall semester was horribly busy to the point where I wasn't sure if I would be able to hold down a job if I to. I was disappointed in myself, which was why I decided to try to apply to various jobs and internships over break. Clearly, this didn't turn out as planned, and I was doubting myself more than ever. This had put a huge damper on my self-esteem, meaning I thought i just wasn't good enough. My anxiety increased, and I began having horrible mood swings, I lost interest in any activity I have once loved, and I was having worse than good days. I didn't feel like me anymore. Between here and there I had good days, but the good days never lasted long. Growing frustrated with myself and these absurd feelings, I had many breaks downs that came completely out of the blue. One minute I was fine, and the next minute I was nothing but an anxious mess of tears. There have been points where I didn't even know why I felt so miserable. I had found that my anxiety has grown away from my fall semester or my issue with trying to find a job/internship––now it became who I was and how I defined myself, something i never wanted, nor saw coming.
Of course, throughout this rough patch, I have been better at staying positive, but the one person who has really helped me has been my boyfriend, and I can't thank him enough. He's seen all of the ugly that high anxiety can cause. He's seen me break down and then take an anxiety-induced nap for hours. Sometimes he has questions as to why I feel this way, but these were questions that never found the answer to––in the end, he accepted that. He has seen me at my absolute worse, never left, and helped me feel better when I needed it.
I hate feeling horrible. I hate being moody. I absolutely hate feeling like I am a burden to other people, which was how I felt many times around my boyfriend. I understood he had his own problems to deal with, and I didn't want to throw my issues on top of his. There have been days where I would try to hide my troubles completely and waited until they passed, but there were days when I couldn't hide. These days were the worst, but they taught me something. I'm not bad at dealing with my problems on my own. In fact, I have grown better at coping with high-stress situations. But also, my boyfriend never felt that I was a burden if I needed to talk about something or if I needed help. All of this worry about accidentally pushing him away was just in my head. Without question, he was always there for me just as I would be for him. He helped me understand that I wasn't going "insane" as I thought I was. He made me realized that I may just be going through a rough time and that these feelings of despair don't last. My boyfriend was able to show me that I am a person, and I won't always feel great. I won't always have a good day, and I won't always be happy. As much as I would love to be happy every single day, it's important to know that's not a reality. I will have off days and that's okay. But, the most important thing is to ask for help if I need it. I had to learn that simply asking for help is not burdening my boyfriend, and it's also better than letting the anxiousness and my sense of impending doom boil inside me. To put it simply, he makes things easier. He helps me feel like myself when I feel so out of touch with everything around me. He helps me breathe a little easier.
I want to thank my boyfriend for simply being there for me when I need it the most, for not abandoning me, and for making me realize that I am important. Negative feelings don't last forever is something that I have to remind myself. Also, when I'm anxious or stressed I have come to find that I think very irrational, which does happen to make everything worse. So, once again I want to thank my boyfriend for being so incredibly selfless, and I hope that I do for him everything he does for me. He makes me laugh when it's the last thing I want to do and smile on my worst days. I can't thank him enough.
No one deserves to feel like they're alone, especially when they're far from it. I like to believe that no one is truly alone, but you have to reach out to others/allow others to reach out to you. As humans, we all have issues that occur deep below surface level. These issues don't make us less of a person, instead, they make us human. Most people wear a hypothetical mask every single day to hide how they truly feel. I don't think this is fair. One of the strongest skills we have is our ability to effectively communicate, and we should use this for the greater good to help ourselves and others. The reason why I put so much trust into my boyfriend is because we communicate well. I am the first person to admit that I despise talking to others about any of my problems or when I'm feeling down. Slowly I am realizing that talking to others is powerful. Talking to others creates bonds between one another. Never be afraid to ask for help, and never feel helpless for doing so. Remember, no one is truly alone.
