Four years ago, I was an 18-year-old girl going to college for the first time. Not only would I be attending college as an academic student, but I was lucky enough to get an athletic scholarship for soccer as well. All the hours of hard work, all the events I missed finally seemed worth it, as I was set to be a Division 1 soccer player. I soon discovered it was not quite the experience I was hoping for.

I was an outcast. Ostracized. Unwanted and I felt alone. I hated where I was. Mind you I am an only child, and naturally, I am an introvert. Reaching out to people and fitting in has never been a priority in my life and maybe that is where I went wrong. Maybe I should have tried harder to fit into this group of girls that were supposed to be my teammates. I scrolled through my Instagram, and I see my teammates from home post picture after picture showing how happy they were with their new school and team. I envied that because that was not my experience. I spent many days walking to and from practice alone left to fester in my thoughts, building anger and resentment to everyone around me. Why me? What did I do? I had so many questions and not enough answers. Regardless of my experience on the field, I thought that this group of girls that I was basically tied to for 4 years, were supposed to be my friends; girls I could joke with, talk to and share and memories with. I just needed someone to talk to. I needed someone to see me. I felt like I had no voice and that ate away at me every day.

Well, needless to say, I wasn’t there four years. After one year, I was released from the team and vowed to never play soccer again. I had no confidence, and frankly, I was scared I would have the same experience somewhere else. However, as much as I wanted to end my career as a soccer player, I couldn’t. I knew I wasn’t done yet, there was so much more in me and I was determined to find out what it was. I found a coach that knew me from my previous years of recruiting and believed in my ability. I hadn’t played collegiate soccer in a year and he gave me that chance to prove myself and that is exactly what I needed.

As I am coming to the end of my collegiate career with one season left, I would be lying if I said I don’t think back to my freshman year. All the series of events that led me to where I am today, what could I have done differently to change that experience. Maybe something, or maybe nothing but at the end of the day, I am still strangely enough thankful. I learned so much about myself over these years and have grown in ways I don’t think I could have if I stayed where I was.

Now, as an upperclassman, I try to make it my business not miss that freshman that might not be having the best experience. The one that might be having a hard time adjusting. I try to use my experiences to talk to them and make sure they know it does get better and you aren’t a freshman forever. I have acquired a role in leadership I never thought I would have on a team that has the potential to make history in the program every year. I graduated last December and will be graduating with my masters in the spring, so I have very little room to complain. I went from never wanting to play soccer again to having aspirations to continue my career professionally after I graduate in a span of four years.

I can only thank where I came from in preparing me for where I am going.