Dear Mom,

I wanted to start this by telling you just how much I love you. From the moment you got your diagnosis of your kidneys starting to fail to the moment I realized the severity, my heart sank into my stomach. My world froze and everything that I thought mattered really just went away while I let the news sink in. I know that I get my strength from you because you worked so hard to stay strong so the rest of the family wouldn't see you suffer. I wish you let yourself show your pain, because its okay not to be okay every day, especially when you're suffering.

Dealing with this experience changed my life and how I view things an extreme amount. Living in the unknown when someone you love is so sick immediately teaches you not to take anything for granted. When life is going so well, it’s hard to not think you’re invincible to the bad stuff. I know its hard right now, but I believe in you and everything you are. You are the strongest woman I have ever met, you have taught me that it is okay to cry. It is okay not to be okay.

There was nothing worse than hearing from the doctors that your heart went into cardiac arrest more than one time within the span of three hours. It was terrifying to think about them giving you CPR and shocking you to get a rhythm back. When I heard those words, my whole world froze and my body went numb. I lost all feeling in my legs and collapsed ... I couldn't breathe. All I could do was cry. From that second on the only thing I could do was pray to God to get you through the next 30 minutes. And after those 30 minutes, to get you through the following 30 minutes.

I wanted to write this letter as a thank you. You have been my biggest fan through every single stage of my life and I couldn’t ask for a better cheerleader. I can't thank you enough for that. You never told me my dreams were too big, instead you held my hand and supported me every step of the way. You gave my your strength when I didn't have my own, when I was struggling and I can not put into words how much that means to me. On my worst days, you didn't make me go to therapy, instead you held my hand and let me cry. You promised me that tomorrow would be a better day. Now it's my turn to promise you the same thing. I know what you're dealing with is putting you in horrible pain. Thank you for encouraging me when I needed it, and picking me up when I couldn't pick myself up.

There have been times recently when I have been snippy because I can only hope that you will be around for a long, long time. You are my heart, my soul, my everything. Thank you for smiling through the pain, for always taking your medicine, thank you for telling me I have been the best daughter. Thank you for the life you have given me. I will forever be by your side through every step of the way. Thank you for being there for me whenever I needed you. Thank you for never asking questions while I cried and instead just hugging me. Thanks for the rubbing my back all the times I was sick. Thanks for always making me laugh. Thanks for being at every competition. all of the boys games, dance recital, and awards nights. Thank you for supporting me and the boys in everything we do. You have given up a lot of things to give me and the boys the things we've wanted, and I can only pray you make it through this so we can give you all the things you deserve for your sacrifices. The truth is Mom, I could write an entire novel of things to thank you for. You have sacrificed more than I thought humanly possible, for the happiness of your children.

You were there to save me since the very beginning. You put no limits on my dreams, or the boys dreams. You were always our number one supporters and you never let anyone tell us other wise. You never forgot to tell us you loved us. There is no one else in this world who has shaped my world like you have. I love you more than anything in this world. I need you here with me because I'm not ready to be an adult yet and I need to continue to be mommy's little girl.

I want to apologize for all the times I was so selfish. I never realized what I was doing wrong until I look back now and see it. Im sorry for all the times I yelled at you over nothing, or the times I threw a fit because you said something I didn't agree with. I lost sight of what really matters, and I'm sorry I put you in the middle of it. I hope you can forgive me for all of this because I would hate myself if I let you go without you knowing just how sorry I am for everything. All I want to do in this life is make you proud of me. I hope that you noticed just how hard I've been working lately and I hope you know that it is all for you.

Love the child that isn't ready to let you go.