Hey, babe. Miss me?

Oh, right, of course you do! You told me so just last week. Thank you for that. By the way, it really means a lot. As do the biweekly, noncommittal iMessage check-ins - I mean, God forbid I ever go more than a few weeks without being forced to acknowledge your existence! Those virtual smelling salts are a real help.

While I have you here, I'd also like to thank you for coming to my house in the middle of the night that one time when I told you I didn't want to see you anymore. Some might call that "manipulative" or "slimy," but I thought it was a noble gesture. You afforded me the invaluable opportunity to reconsider the outlandish choice I was about to make in finally scraping you off my hull and moving on with my life, and for that, I am grateful.

Further, I owe you a huge merci for all the times you said you'd be a few minutes late, and then didn't show up for at least another hour. You taught me to always be on my toes and trained me to manage near-psychotic rage with grace - skills which have come in very handy since.

Thank you for routinely steering all conversation in the direction of things relating only to you and your interests - my time with you vastly improved my listening skills. Many thanks, as well, for never listening to a single word I did manage to get in edgewise. Having to have the exact same conversations with you over and over again gave me the patience of a Buddhist Monk.

And while we're on the subject of "patience," thank you for taking an average of two days to respond to my messages while we were dating, and an average of six once we weren't anymore (but we're still talking, of course, because you said we "have a connection that would be wrong to throw away").

Thank you for politely saying "thank you," back in eighth grade when I told you that I had a crush on you. That was an exercise designed to build my resilience, as were all the other instances from junior year on, when I would try to express affection for you in one way or another, only to have you turn right around and throw it back in my face. I was weak before you, but now? I am strong like bull.

Thank you for taking advantage of my years of misguided devotion to you in order to bolster your ailing ego. At least it wasn't all for naught.

But most of all, thank you so much for demonstrating all the characteristics not to look for in a man, for providing examples of behaviors I must never tolerate again, and for helping me to finally see that I never deserved to be put on a shelf by as pathetic a loser as you in the first place. For that, I am forever in your debt.