This is a letter I thought I would never find myself writing. As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder for over a year now, I’ve said a lot of things towards my body and not a single time was it a “thank you” or anything kind for that matter. We’ve been living in a society that teaches us that we have to live up to certain standards in the way we look. Girls begin seeing other girls as competitors in a game that has no winner and no happy ending. And for those of us with eating disorders, the game never stops because no matter how much weight you lose, it will never feel like enough. Your eating disorder whispers into your ear and tells you things that aren’t true and distorts your perception so that even when I was at my lowest weight, wasting away in a hospital, all I saw was a fat girl who would never be pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, talented enough, or worthy of love.

Eating disorders are so much more than what they seem and take away so much from a person and what we fail to realize is that you can lose all the weight in the world but if you don’t love yourself, you will always be weighed down. Even now, after months of treatment, I still struggle heavily with this concept. I know that self-love and self-acceptance don’t happen overnight, but there are small steps that you can take to help you get there. Writing a thank you letter to my body is my way of taking that step towards that goal because even when everything seems bad, you can always find something to be grateful for.

Dear Body,

I’ve spent a lot of time hurting and abusing you and refusing to take the time to appreciate all the things you do for me. Thank you for continuing to fight even when the mind that inhabits you didn’t. Thank you for keeping me alive during a time when I didn’t care if I died. I think about that quite often; all the things life has opened up for me that I would have missed if I had passed away during those darkest months. Thank you for my smile which I show off much more often now. Thank you for my thighs. I may not be quite fond of them all the time, but without them, I wouldn’t be able to do things that make me happy like taking my dog for a walk and attending the NEDA Walk and strolling around the college that I had always dreamed of finally attending. Thank you for my strong and beating heart. It wasn’t all that long ago that I went to bed wondering if it would give out in the middle of the night or while taking a shower or exerting myself in any way. Thank you for my eyes and the light that has been restored in them and the ability to wake up every day and look at my friends and family and feel truly blessed.

Thank you for the fat on my stomach (!!!!!). One of the things I learned while in treatment is that we store more fat there because it goes to protect our vital organs. So while I thought its only purpose was to destroy my self-confidence, you knew all along that you were just trying to protect me. Thank you for my hands which I use to do the things that bring me joy in life such as playing the piano, playing the ukulele, petting dogs, holding hands with friends and family and scratching that mosquito bite on my leg that just. Won’t. Stop. Itching! There are so many things that you do for me that I have to be grateful for and I’m sorry for neglecting to realize that. You are amazing, INCREDIBLY strong, and so smart. Thank you for taking care of me and keeping me going when I thought I couldn’t.

Sincerely,

A girl learning to love herself again