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Thank You For Shopping!

Giving a shoutout to everyone that makes it such a pleasure to work in retail.

Jonathan Asprilla

May 09, 2018

Towson University

Flickr Creative Commons

Some people work in restaurants and others work in offices, but nothing compares to the pleasures of working in retail. This goes out to everyone who makes my job the least miserable career choice in the world!

To start off, I want to thank the people who try to return things without a receipt and then get upset at ME for not accepting the return. Your levelheadedness and compassion make it such a pleasure to serve you. I'll make sure to print you 30 receipts so you'll always manage to have one.

This next one is a twofer. Thank you to the thieves who constantly try to shoplift from my store. Your repeated attempts to steal from me have really taught me to stay on my toes and I genuinely value our rivalry. Don't worry, it's not like I'm the one being held accountable for losing all that merchandise. I'd also like to thank my mall's security force, your assistance has been essential to my time in retail. I'll never forget the time a security guard said: "You should call the police" after a fresh theft. It seems the guy just wanted me to improve my problem-solving skills.

Shoutout to the bosses that clock me out during my lunch break! It's totally cool, it's not like I wanted that hour or anything! I'm impressed with your abilities to cut costs. Thanks for scheduling me even though I requested off, it's not like I had plans. There's nothing I love more than having my life revolve around work! I've always aspired to be a piece of corporate property!

How could I forget the children? Shoutout to all the kids that touch all the merchandise with their little hands covered in chicken nugget grease! Thanks to you I get to spend the rest of the day cleaning everything, fun! By the way, don't worry about the merchandise you broke; it'll be taken out of my paycheck so have at it!

I'm so appreciative of the customer base that makes working in retail the best possible career choice for someone in their early 20's. I'm so satisfied with this career choice that I wouldn't mind working in retail forever! I mean where else can you interact with some of the most considerate, caring, and helpful people in America?

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Thank You For Shopping!

Giving a shoutout to everyone that makes it such a pleasure to work in retail.

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For those long nights that turn into mornings when the struggle is real.

1. Walk in motivated and ready to rock

2. Disappointed you let it get this bad

3. Distracted: When a 10-Minute Break Becomes an Hour

4. When the Yearning for Sleep Sneaks Up

5. In the words of Lorelai Gilmore "Coffee, Coffee, Coffee"

Oh, so done.

You need sleep, but also have 13 things due in the span of 4 days.

1. When it's December 1 and you have seven things due, three exams, and haven't slept in three days.

2. So you stress.

3. And cry.

4. Then call your mom to cry some more.

5. After the pep talk, you feel determined to get everything done.

6. But, now you're tired.

7. And really hungry.

8. Suddenly, it's 2 a.m. and you have only written three sentences and your paper is due in the morning.

9. You've made it to Friday... somehow.

10. Then Sunday hits and you find yourself back at the Lib.

11. So you cry some more.

12. But, you fight through the tears to get everything done because you're determined.

13. In the end, you feel on top of the world because you made it through the last week of class alive.

14. But, now it's finals week so good luck.

"I want to thank Google, Wikipedia, and whoever else invented copy and paste. Thank you."

1. I'm so tired. I need a nap. Maybe I can sleep with my eyes open in class? Or pretend I'm not napping?

2. We have a test today? Why didn't anyone tell me? Did I know this?!

3. Can I quit school yet? It's only October, and I need a vacation.

4. The struggle is so real.

5. I'm so broke. SOS.

6. Stressed? Eat everything you own in your pantry and stuff your face with all your feelings.

7. "Did we have anything due in class today? Homework? Quiz? Test?" "Not that I know of..."

8. I need food. Where is the closest place to get food? I need it stat.

9. This is the longest day of my life. I need a drink, or two, or three.

10. Sleep? What is sleep? What a foreign concept.

11. When someone suggests going and studying in the library, let alone studying in general.

12. When the cafeteria or student center is packed and you can't find a seat anywhere so you literally have to sit in an abandoned corner.

13. When you see someone you used to hook up with. They see you, and approach you; so you have to pretend like everything is normal.

14. When you get your exam and realize you didn't study as much as you should have.

15. When you crush it on an exam or paper that you totally bullshitted.

16. I need a grande, extra strong coffee to get me through today.

17. When the professor announces you have a project due the following week with no instruction on what it's on and how to do it.

18. Is it Friday yet? Where's the weekend when you need it most?

19. It's freezing in here. I feel like I'm sitting in an igloo. I should have brought a jacket or worn long pants.

20. Did I remember my book? Damn, I forgot the book, and of course I need it for that quiz in class.

21. I would pay a million dollars to not go to class today; or actually never again.

22. I need a hoverboard to ride to class. Maybe then I wouldn't be running 15 minutes late to class every day.

23. Oh she/he's cute! I wonder if they're single. Who are they texting? They're BF/GF? I wonder if they think I'm cute. Could they be a potential new bae?

24. Why is there never any parking? I pay thousands of dollars a year for one parking spot to be open.

25. When it feels like you've been in class for an hour and you look at your phone and it has only been five minutes (I'm crying on the inside).

26. When the professor asks if there are any more questions at the end of class and someone raises their hand.

27. When you get assigned the most incompetent group of people possible for a group project.

28. I need a comfort dog so I can avoid all life and school responsibilities.

"A Christmas Story" is the star on top of the tree.

Who isn't stressing out over finals right now?

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