"Don't change them, change yourself."
If I had to think of three words to define myself, I would say I am independent, determined, and driven. Ironically, I don't think I would be able to use those adjectives to describe myself if it wasn't for you.
You always needed to feel like you had a purpose. You chose to make your disease your purpose, so you wrapped yourself up in it. You also exposed a vulnerable hero of mine to addiction, and you two fed off one another's vices. Because I took the road less traveled and refused to participate in the dependent relationship the both of you shared, I became the misfit. Addiction took my place, and it was there to stay.
Initially, I blamed you. You were the reason I received bad grades, the reason I lost my friends, and the reason I cried all the time. You chose addiction, so I chose to give up. In my mind, you were at fault for all of the negative occurrences in my life.
One day it all dawned on me. Until this day, I never realized that a person's choices are their own choices, and no one has the ability to change that person's mind. I let your choices be a negative catalyst to mine. I let your choices be the puppeteer to the way I lived my life. I mistakenly assumed it was your duty to choose me. And because I was under that false impression, I accused your choices to be the sole reason as to why I gave up on myself.
Finally, I began to see things in a whole new light. It's unfortunate, but I realized I couldn't change you because you didn't want to change for yourself. I relinquished the power I had over myself to you, and I allowed your choices to impact my life in a negative way.
Ultimately, you didn't choose me, so I chose myself. You made the conscious decision to continuously fall to your cunning addiction. I had to recognize that I couldn't point fingers at you anymore. If your addiction was what you wanted, I had to be what I wanted.
I don't think I would have been able to acknowledge my independent, determined, and driven personality if it wasn't for you. You know what they say, once you reach rock bottom, the only other way to go is up. Your choices pushed me down, but they also motivated me to get up.
Basically I wanted to tell you that I don't blame you anymore. My life would be a lot different if you chose me, but honestly, I need to thank you.
Thank you for not choosing me.
