Dear Mom,
First of all, I want to say thank you for being a huge part of my life. Thank you for being so beautiful, strong, determined, and caring, and for being the best mother. You did a lot of unimaginable things for me which can never be forgotten.
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When I was a child, I couldn't stay one second without you. I would cry when you went for even a second. That's when I knew that you and I have a special bond. I was born as a special child and was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at a young age. During my school to high school days, no one wanted to be friends with me. Even my teachers didn't understand me. Everyone thought I was weird and not normal. You were there for me during those difficult times. You were not just my mom, you were my friend! My best friend! And I will never forget that!
I am sorry for fighting with you. I never used to listen to you when you meant the best for me. But I couldn't help it; I had Asperger's and I couldn't control my emotions. I was going through a lot in school and I didn't want to go through the same at home. So I let my ego come in between us and said and did stuff that would make things worse. I said stuff like "How much I wish you never lived" or "I wish you were dead" in anger but I never realized how much these words would affect.
Music was something that bonded us together. You are the reason I wanted to be a musician. Yes, I was being troublesome when I refused to learn Carnatic music from you when you are a music teacher, and I just ended up learning basics of it. But yet you let me pursue to learn Hindustani music, then Bollywood, Western Classical and Contemporary. You also let me pursue my dreams of studying music. You first let me go to KM Music Conservatory, where I had learnt about Berklee College of Music, and then went to ICOM to pursue my Berklee dreams. Not a lot of people supported my dreams to Berklee. I was doing very poorly in ICOM and there was no one there to help me. But you were very determined and you supported my dreams to Berklee. You moved to KL for me and said "No matter what, I will make sure you go to Berklee, it's not just your dream, it's our dream." Most people wouldn't do that.
Another thing we share is that we both want to help kids with special needs. You were also the reason I wanted to study Music Therapy. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Yes, it took a while for you to understand, but you accepted me for who I am, and went into the field because of me. I had difficulties in social communication and some motor skills too, but you made me the person I am today. You helped a lot of kids like me and created awareness. This inspires me to help create awareness. I will be a Music Therapist and help those kids who are going through the same thing as I am.
We also share the quality of being determined, strong, hardworking and caring. I have gone through a lot of difficulty. With Asperger's, to being a bullying victim, struggling with studies and music life etc. I never gave up. I fought through all the difficulties and have achieved quite a lot. I am currently doing quite well at Berklee. I got into the Music Therapy major, despite not getting into it the first time and I am loving it. I am also part of the Indian Ensemble, where I get to perform with talented people as well as some famous musicians. And on top of that, I made a lot of friends, who support me a lot. This was something I was struggling to do before.
I also thought the same for you. When you were diagnosed with stomach cancer 8 months ago, I was shocked but I also had the hope that your determination will help you fight this. Even when Chemotherapy failed, I still had the hope there will be something for you and you will come out of it, as you have come through a lot. I also hoped to see that beautiful hair of yours back when you came out of this. Even when you were on ventilator, I still had hope you would be conscious and I would at least get to see you for some time and spend time with you. I also had that hope that once you will see me, you will feel better. Because I know how strong and capable you are. I know you wouldn't give up. I remember you had said once that one day we will all be happy and we will be laughing thinking about it. Even during your last hours, you wanted to really see me and Sharang, as I always hoped that you wouldn't let anything to happen to you, without seeing us both. But it all went wrong.
Cancer is the worst thing. I hate it so much. I can't believe that it's so powerful that it overtook the strongest person I know. It didn't even let me see you during your last hours, nor let me say "Goodbye" to you. What's even worse was that I had a performance with the one and only Shankar Mahadevan, and even better, a solo with him. I also had my finals, I could have finished that. Do you have to be a threat, Cancer? I will never forgive you for this.
I will miss my support system. You were supportive no matter what. I remember you not liking me wearing shorts or dresses, but you still let me do that because you wanted my happiness. Now suppose I want to do something such as getting married to someone whom not a lot will approve, I know you will do support me and let me do anything for my happiness, who will support me like that now? I used to share all my feelings, used to ask you for advice, now it won't be the same.
But then again I realize that you were suffering a lot. You were in so much pain. At least you are in peace now. You also made me the person I am today. That is a big accomplishment for you, before leaving. I was a person who had no friends and no great accomplishments. Now I have wonderful friends whom I can call "Family". Did you know I received more than 50 calls and close to the 1000 messages on the day you left? So grateful for them. I am also getting good grades and being in the Indian Ensemble has given me great opportunities. At least the last time you saw me, I was performing at the Bengaluru Ganesh Utsava, with the Indian Ensemble as well as great musicians like Vijay Prakash and Raghu Dixit. Oh, you were so happy that day, and you were smiling like anything. At least I made you proud that way.
We fought, we loved and supported each other. You helped keep the family together. We were a Happy Family. We went on a lot of trips together, I will never forget them. Now things won't be the same.
I hope you will always listen. I hope you will always be there when we are in trouble. Please give us strength. I promise I will do the best I can. I will continue to work hard, finish my education successfully at Berklee and become a better singer and a Music Therapist. I am sure Dad and Sharang will also be good and successful.
I hope you are at peace, watching us in Heaven. I also hope that you will be my mom in my next birth too. Love and miss you loads!
From your loving daughter
Swara
