Dear Childhood Bully,

I know it’s been a while since we last interacted, since you challenged my morals, since you laughed at my glasses, since you excluded me from the game, since you made fun of my size, since you turned my best friends against me. I know I sound angry, but I’m not. I forgave you a long time ago.

I’m not writing to justify your actions; the way you treated me was hurtful. Bullying is painful, disruptive, it causes long term effects and ruins childhoods. But bullying is worse than that: it is a vicious cycle. Being a bully turns people against you, sets yourself aside as the pariah of any community. By attempting to isolate and put down others, you in turn isolate yourself and encourage others to have negative opinions of you. This makes you bitter, makes you angry and encourages you to find short-term self-esteem solutions, like bullying. You were stuck in this cycle, you were crying for help, but all anyone could hear were your hurtful words.

We spent a lot of time together, you and I. We had classes, recess, lunch, band practice, but I know nothing about you. I don’t know if you have siblings, where you went to college, when your birthday is, anything. I don’t know anything about you now, and I didn’t know anything about you then. For that, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t make an effort to get to know you, to figure out what you were going through, to act as a confidant or shoulder to lean on in rough times. I’m sorry I didn’t take your life or your situation into consideration. I’m sorry that I played the victim without regard to you or your motivation. I’m sorry for the times people stood up for me and put you down in the process. Mostly, I’m sorry for spending the better part of my life attempting to ignore you.

Although life would have been easier without someone to challenge me daily, I have to thank you. See, your hurtful words and constant abuse helped me. It took years — years — for me to fully form the callous that allowed me to separate myself from your words, to shift the focus from my hurt to your pain. It took much, much longer to rebuild and grow my self-esteem. But, now I see the world in a brand new light. I wake up every day with a smile on my face and I love my life. I see value in others, even those who try to break me down; I find the silver lining in every situation, even those where all seems lost; I find the good in myself, even when it feels like I have nothing to offer; I find the immense value in my friends and family, even when they make me want to pull my hair out. I spent my childhood looking for these things and, by making it more difficult, you gave me the best gift I could ever receive. You gave me a metaphorical magnifying glass, something that allows me to break down everything I encounter to find joy, to find potential, to find opportunity. The philosophy, that you can only know light having experienced dark, comes to mind. I spent so long in the dark because of you that I am often blinded by the light that the world has to offer. You gave me that. You provided me with the capability of being happy, truly happy.

I know we will probably never talk again, and although we would cautiously avoid confrontation if we ran into each other, I am thinking of you, of the difference you made in my life, hoping life has treated you well. I hope you have found the happiness you’ve always dreamed of. I hope you have found a supportive and loving network. But, most of all, I hope you have found what you gave to me.

Best of luck,

Your former classmate.