It was May 2016 before graduating college when I received a journal as a present. Like a pool on a post-grad summer day, I jumped head first down deep. I never hold back from myself, so why would I hold back in my writing? Of course, I had unexplainable fears and anxieties that the people I wrote about would find my journal, but once I realized that those people are ambivalent to my present anyway, the fears faded. Soon, there was nothing that wasn’t allowed in my diary. I wrote about traumatic experiences, relationships I just couldn’t let go of, and weight loss goals. I wrote monthly goals and what I’m grateful for. I wrote in the day, during my lunch break and in the night.

In January of 2017, I switched therapists. It was like leaping rock to rock in a river. In the back of your head, you know you can jump it, but what if you fall in the current and can’t swim with the fast tide? It was scary at first because my college therapist has always been there for me, despite how many times I would ditch her even though her office was outside my dorm. It was her who showed me how ambivalent I was and why I was attracting that in my life. We scraped the surface of my childhood traumas together, most of which I was in disbelief because I simply didn’t remember them. “If you don’t remember it, it can’t be true then.” Well let me tell you now, the psyche was made to protect you and if that means dissociating into a fantasy land or overlooking to a more positive past, it will do it. My old therapist and my journal were both there to help me embark on a more intense journey.

There’s something about seeing first hand in writing the progress from your past that makes your present time more fulfilling. I flip back to pages in my black journal and enjoy seeing the transformation. From “Weight 147 pounds or bust,” to “Just learn to love yourself,” it has been a journey of losing 25 pounds and learning that it’s more about the lifestyle then crash dieting. I started off as “Just get over him why is this so hard to do,” to “It’s okay you’re attracted to ambivalence, it has kept you safe, but realize you deserve better.” A five-year transformation from tears to confidence. At one point, I thought the roller coaster of ambivalent men was just how life would be for me and with the help of my journal, I am now open to genuine romantic opportunities meant for me.

Writing at times can seem intimidating. You never know where to start, and as hard as you want to control what to say, something else might slip out that opens an entire perspective you’ve been hiding from. However, it has kept me afloat and made me realize a number of things about myself. I use it to help settle my inner turbulence from when I get a late night text from an unwanted person to when I am being too hard on myself. It always helps writing it out, because you can see where you are coming from and rationalize if you are seeing the bigger picture or not. Without writing, I can say I would still be on a self-sabotaging track going nowhere fast. I still have lots to work on, but flipping through my first journal helps me realize my journey and that no matter what has happened to me. It has all been a blessing to get where I deserve to be.

My next journal, water colored with an Oscar Wilde quote, will help me further deepen the love I have for myself. In the next two years I plan on amping up my confidence, and realizing that I am truly worthy of all that I can accomplish. I hope to realize that fluctionatioins are a part of life, but negativity is only a state of mind and can be temporary with the write tools.