Let me start by saying that there is never a right thing to say. Nothing you say or do will make it better. Someone is gone, and baking a casserole or a hug or a well-intentioned message is not going to change that. But if nothing could make life better after a loss, I don’t think we would have quite so many functioning members of society as we do. As a friend, you can help – and you can make it infinitely worse. Here are some suggestions that may help align your good intentions with the results:
1. “I understand what you’re going through.”
Maybe you knew someone who lost their father to cancer years ago, and now you have a friend going through the same thing; it’s not the same thing. Each person has a different relationship with their father, a different history of loss, and different beliefs about life after death. Grief manifests itself differently in people regardless of how similarly those other aspects match up. This means that this very article contains mere suggestions. The most important thing is to recognize that you don’t understand, not really. Vocalize this, and give your friend the space to share what they are going through or just feel a little validated.
2. “It’s all going to be okay.”
No. No, it’s not. Life may be okay in just a few months or years, but the fact that this person is gone is not okay. This is a loss, and it is permanent, and everything has changed substantially now. Saying it’s okay, or even that it will be okay, may feel like you are pushing them to move on, or “get over it.” Make sure they know it is okay to not be okay, and it is okay to be okay. If they want to talk to you about normal, everyday things you talked about before the loss, that’s fine, and if they want to talk to you about their loss, that’s fine too. Be a safe place for them to share their real feelings, if and when they want to.
3. “It was God’s plan.”
This may very well be true, but it doesn’t make the loss feel any better. Instead, it feels like you’re saying that your friend should be okay with whatever happened because God intended it to. There might be some anger at God during the grief process, and that’s okay. There might not be, and that would be great, but regardless “it was God’s plan” feels like the last word in a conversation, and this is a time when your friend needs someone who is open to hearing them talk when they need to.
4. “Time heals all wounds.”
Time will not bring this person back. Time will not take away their impact on my life. Time will not make the memory of this pain now, go away. Time will make things easier, as they start to find a new normal and as they get used to living with this hole in their heart. Saying that time heals all wounds is to neglect the reality of the loss and diminish the value this person’s life had. Thinking about the future may be hard at this point of loss, as they are very much reliving the past with their loved one. Don’t pressure them to look toward the future, just remind them that you are here for them right now.
5. “Oh, is that still hard for you?”
After a couple of months, it may be easy for you to forget that your friend is going through something. That’s right, is going through something, present tense. Each person's grief process takes different spans of time, but you have to remember that life has not gone back to normal for them, and never will. That “new normal” I mentioned may be in effect, but a couple of months is not that long. Even after a couple of years, you should be sensitive to the pain that is still a normal part of your friend’s life. Asking if that’s still hard for them suggests it shouldn’t be and makes them feel like they can’t talk about their loss, something that they may really need or want to talk about.
There is never a time when someone needs a friend more than when they are experiencing a loss. And there’s never a time when those friends end up saying the wrong things more. Do not run away because you are scared of saying something wrong, though. Be honest that you do not know what to say. It can be refreshing to hear that you understand that this problem is bigger than a phrase can fix. Just be there to be a shoulder to cry on or a text to ignore until they feel better enough to answer. Just be there and recognize that this, like most things in life, is not that simple.
