As I sit and type about more shootings of black lives, there are many ideas, images and feelings zooming through my head.
I first see the video footage of Terence Crutcher, unlawfully shot and left to die by Tulsa police officer Betty Shelby. She is charged with first degree Manslaughter.
I think of my father, a retired corrections officer, who is a hard working man.
Next is Keith Scott, given multiple commands by officers we're told he ignored, was shot when he continually resisted. A gun is indeed found at the scene. I wish we could see the tapes.
My mind flashes to my time in Uptown Charlotte last year with dear friends.
I set foot where the riots and protests are happening. My friend works in the midst of the chaos. Finally, my heart breaks as I turn my gaze toward heaven. I pray the same words Jesus prayed for me as He died on the cross years ago, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."
It has come to the point where I don't even know which way is up or down. I feel so much, but at the same time, I don't know how to feel.
I know what my father was trained to do for years. I know an officer was arrested, and for good reason. I know my best friends in the world are minorities, and I can't imagine something like this happening to them. I know my friends in Charlotte aren't feeling comfortable right now. Most importantly, there needs to be a major change, and I want to be a part of it.
I desperately wish I was in the streets of Uptown Charlotte. I want to meet people, pray for people and tell them that Jesus is the peacemaker. I'm sorry it seems as if He isn't bringing promised peace right now.
As I evaluate my thoughts, I realize it's not safe in the streets. My life could be threatened here. I can't risk my life in all this mess.
Suddenly a whisper from the Holy Spirit enters my ear: "How do you think they feel?"
I pray again, "God, forgive me for lacking sympathy and understanding."
Everyone is afraid, and no one understands why the world has become what it is. Violence, wars and protests are occurring on every continent. People are starving and without shelter.
Why can't we fix this? Where is the unity? The love?
Then, I'm reminded of the creation story in Genesis.
"In the beginning, God created..."
The heavens and the earth.
The sky and the sea.
Human beings.
And I took and ate what isn't meant for me.
I've fallen into sin.
My eyes are open, and I'm afraid of what I see.
"Now, lest he reach out his hand ..."
He could take from the tree of eternal life.
He could be stuck in shame and guilt forever.
"I need to protect them."
It was in that moment that God, in His infinite love and grace, casts Adam and Eve out of the paradise we know as the Garden of Eden.
It changed the course of history forever. In that moment, unity was lost and sin entered the world. As time has gone on, we are brought to today. To Clarence. To Keith. To Charlotte.
What is beautiful is disunity and hate can end when we call upon one name, Jesus Christ. With a protective spirit he separated us from Him, and in love, He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to buy us back.
Through Christ's bloodshed and resurrection we can now, once again, be united with the Father in righteousness. We can stand firm on the promise to us in Revelation 21:3-5.
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying: “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the former things have passed away.” And the One seated on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new."
While I doubt this makes sense to many, I need to be as clear as possible and say that Jesus Christ is the only place our hope and comfort can come from right now.
Like myself, I'm sure many of you feel lost and confused.
As a white woman with a cop father that has a deep sorrow for minorities in the country, I don't know what I can do. I feel like whatever step I take, it will offend someone, and that is the last thing I want.
I've concluded that all I can do is surrender myself to the Lord. He can comfort those who are afraid and mourning. He can walk with us and move us to action, and He can come back to earth, in His timing, and make Revelation 21:3-5 our new reality.
Father, I repent of my selfishness and pride. I, on my own, cannot bring any change to this world. I ask that You do. I ask that those who are feeling like myself find comfort in you, maybe for the first time. I pray for those who have never come to you would find rest for their weary souls. Father would Your kingdom come, on earth as it is in heaven. In the powerful and loving name of Jesus, I ask these things, amen.
