Some of the best films I’ve ever seen are films I watched as a child. There are plenty of family-friendly films--both animated and live-action--that captured my younger self’s attention with compelling stories, characters, and worlds that ultimately fostered my interest in storytelling. Great movies like “The Iron Giant” proved to me that even if a film is made for kids, it can still be impactful, gripping, and enjoyable to audiences of all ages.
“Can” being the operative word.
In recent years, I’ve discovered some truly atrocious kids’ movies both new and old that talk down to their young target audience, coddling them or generally insulting their intelligence. Yes, children are not perhaps the most sophisticated audience, but they do deserve better in terms of entertainment; the minds behind these ten films really don’t get that.
This list counts down what stand out in my mind as the top ten worst kids’ films.
10. “Tom and Jerry: The Movie” (1992)
When I was a kid, it was “Tom and Jerry” reruns on Cartoon Network that introduced me to the joys of slapstick humor. There wasn’t much in the way of dialogue or plot, but that wasn’t why you watched the show; you watched it to witness wanton cartoon violence and hilarious situations.
Leave it to the 1992 movie to completely miss that. There’s a plot here, but it’s so paper-thin and stereotypical that you really won’t care about it. As for the writing and acting, you’ll wish the filmmakers opted to not have dialogue, because every character is insipid, boring, and forced.
The film even goes so far as having the two titular characters speak--despite the fact that they came from a largely silent cartoon. And then there are the songs…the god-awful, piss-poor, annoying songs. Watch this film and you’ll never want to see Tom or Jerry talk and sing again.
9. “Home on the Range” (2004)
It’s truly sad that I have to put a Disney title on here, seeing as how I greatly revere and respect the studio, but this film was simply unacceptable. A bafflingly unoriginal and vapid talking-animals tale, “Home on the Range” wastes no time in disappointing the audience on every level. The narrative and characters are uninteresting; the animation is even worse.
It’s so very bland-looking; almost like direct-to-DVD bland. And this thing came out in theaters! It’s honestly so hard and so disappointing to believe that this visual turd of a film came from the same studio who made beautiful-looking movies like “Fantasia” and “The Lion King.”
As a matter of fact, the film as a whole feels like it would have been more suited for the direct-to-DVD realm. Putting it in theaters--or even bothering to fund and produce it--was a bad mooove.
I’ll see myself out now.
8. “The Thief and The Cobbler” (1993)
If this looks like an “Aladdin” knockoff, it is--but it wasn’t supposed to be. In 1964, animator Richard Williams, whose credits include the stunning animation for “Who Framed Roger Rabbit,” worked with several talented individuals to realize his dream of a whimsical animated film called “The Amazing Nazruddin.”
He was even lucky enough to get Warner Brothers to produce the project. Long story short, the rights to the film were eventually taken from Williams after negotiations broke down, and the film eventually found its way to studio Miramax, who released the film in 1993.
The result? One of the worst animated films of all time. Dull musical numbers were added to the feature, along with new character names, backstories, and a new overarching narrative--all of which barely retained any semblance of Williams’ original intent.
“Thief and the Cobbler” ultimately became a spectacle of amateur writing and music, though the animation isn’t too bad. While initially well-intentioned, “Thief and the Cobbler” only succeeds at sucking; it’s a watered-down “Aladdin” with none of the compelling material.
7. “Alpha and Omega” (2010)
If I had to name the plotlines that I’m tired of seeing, one of them would be the “loser guy wants to get the popular girl” shtick. So along comes “Alpha and Omega,” here to piss me off out of spite, I guess.
It’s yet another talking animal movie (of course) about two wolves from different packs who get thrown into an adventure together. Gee, I wonder if they fall in love at the end or something. Just a guess.
“Alpha and Omega” has many other awful things to show besides its artificial plot and characters. It looks like it was animated using Windows Movie Maker compared to other animated films at the time, has all of the humor only a four-year-old or a moron would find funny, and has absolutely no effort put into anything.
And again, it has songs. And they’re even worse than the songs from the earlier entries on this list.
6. “The Cat in the Hat” (2003)
Dr. Seuss is probably rolling in his grave given that Hollywood has disgraced arguably the most popular of his children’s books. “The Cat in the Hat” is a film that brilliantly manages to aim at all audiences and yet hit none of them.
Adult jokes, child-friendly antics, seriousness, and lightheartedness all occur at whiplash-inducing intervals that make one wonder what this film was supposed to be.
Now, I say that “The Cat in the Hat” has jokes, but none of them are funny, only pandering or seriously offensive. The story makes so very little sense, trying way too hard to expand beyond the borders of the source material’s rather simplistic and somehow stronger plot.
And the crowning crapfest that this film has to offer has to be Mike Myers’ performance as the titular character. Don’t get me wrong, when it comes to the likes of “Austin Powers” or “Wayne’s World,” Myers is likeable and funny, but here? He’s terrifying, annoying, and greatly unfunny. Just look at the picture.
5. “The Lorax” (2012)
Oh look, another Dr. Seuss movie--only this one is way worse than the previous one. The book of the same name was a story about the dangers of indulging oneself without really considering the consequences of doing so.
How does the movie incorporate and take advantage of this potentially interesting thematic premise? By having a banal romantic subplot centering around two irrelevant and two-dimensional characters, cringe-worthy dialogue and humor, a stupidly unrealistic corporate bad guy, and--yet AGAIN--annoying, uninteresting musical numbers.
Seriously, my heart sank like a flippin’ rock the minute that the god-awful opening number began.
The film distances itself from the book so thoroughly and so quickly that one has to wonder why this book was chosen for movie material at all. In fact, the book’s actual plot is nothing more than mere flashbacks with no real impact on the larger story.
Even “The Cat in the Hat” chose to keep its focus on the premise of the book it was based on. Instead of re-contextualizing the surprisingly relevant themes of the book to make some sort of smart commentary, studio Illumination Entertainment instead opted to make a poor man’s Disney flick with none of the whimsy and all of the mental pain associated with bad cinema.
4. “Son of the Mask” (2005)
“The Mask” worked because of its off-beat humor and zaniness, in addition to strong performances from Cameron Diaz and especially Jim Carrey. This awful sequel, on the other hand, is a slap in the face to anybody who liked the first film.
It’s loud, obnoxious, overly busy, and ugly to look at, making for a thoroughly repulsive and unenjoyable experience. Any semblance of common sense or logic was clearly disregarded in the making of this film.
I can’t even see how kids—the bloody target audience of this endurance test of a film—could enjoy this. There is nothing of worth in this movie, only bad jokes, a heavily clichéd story, and fake-looking effects that would make Syfy blush.
In fact, you can go ahead and lump the acting and writing of this movie into the “Syfy quality” category as well; it’s that bad.
3. “Minions” (2015)
The first “Despicable Me” is a movie that admittedly isn’t that bad. Could have been better, but certainly isn’t the worst thing you’ll ever see. For some reason, though, people thought that the Minions from said film and its sequels would be great as the focus of a 90 to 120-minute movie. Spoiler alert: no, they aren’t.
Want to know the worst sin that this movie commits? Nothing happens. It’s 90-plus minutes of the Minions doing nothing but babbling and doing stupid things, bare-bones character development and narrative progression, and some of the most desperate attempts at humor I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing.
There is no moral, no focus, no point to anything that unfolds before the audience’s eyes, and that really is a shame. In case Illumination isn’t aware, kids are not braindead imbeciles who can’t focus on a story or characters for two hours. They can focus on and be invested in a narrative--so long as you let them.
2. “The Last Airbender” (2010)
I think I can speak for a lot of people in my generation when I say that “Avatar: The Last Airbender” is one of the greatest animated shows ever made. But we’re here to talk about the watered-down, live-action adaptation that somebody somewhere thought would be a good idea to show to people.
The film sucks out all of the fun, interesting banter, and good characterization of the television show to give us a bad and unbearably rushed retelling of the show’s first season. The acting is positively atrocious with how lifeless and boring it is, and it’s not helped by the laughable “writing” that makes every character unlikeable, idiotic, and/or superficial.
In terms of the plot, “The Last Airbender” is a textbook example for how not to make an adaptation of something. Events and world-building are over and done far too quickly for something as steeped in lore as the source material, and the story ends up becoming a repetitive, bland mess.
How repetitive? The main character is kidnapped multiple times. The script even had the nerve to worm a post-credit scene into the film to set up a sequel.
Haha...yeah, keep dreaming.
1. “The Garbage Pail Kids” (1987)
If you haven’t heard of this one nor seen it, then good on you; you’ve been spared. What we have here is a prime example of a truly broken, incompetent film. Whoever made “The Garbage Pail Kids” clearly didn’t care about narrative cohesion, because literally nothing makes sense or adds up in the grand scheme of things.
I can give many examples of how lost and inane this film becomes as it goes on, but I need only give one. Later on in the film, there is a prison that the title characters have to be freed from called the “State Home For The Ugly.” If that doesn’t sound stupid enough, two of the inmates are Santa Claus and Mohandas Gandhi. I…have no words.
Oh, but nonsensical plot elements are the least of your worries, friends. Some of the worst visual effects and makeup are present here, due to the titular characters looking something like the radioactive-waste-altered cousins of Chucky from “Child’s Play.”
The writing and acting are abysmal, among the laziest if not the laziest you will find in a live-action film. It can’t be funny, or dramatic, or serious, or interesting. It simply throws plot and character details at the audience with wild abandon, uses basic stereotypes as “characterization,” and is actually quite inappropriate in several places.
If by some chance you do decide to watch this film, then God be with you--if you’re anything like me, you’ll be praying for the credits to roll.
