Although there are plenty of things that I would consider myself not completely mediocre at, I wanted to touch base with a feeling that we all can relate to: sucking at something. Even though a lot of us don't really understand all of those super stars who have found out that they're really really talented and smart and whatnot, every single one of us can relate to the feeling of just being bad at something.
Call it genetics, environment, performance anxiety, bad luck -
this is an article for the incompetent individuals among us.
So hold your glasses up high, and here's a toast to us.
1. Staying organized.
Anyone who has known me for a somewhat extensive period of time knows how messy my desk always is, how I have to force myself to clean out my car weekly or else it’ll turn into a disaster zone, and how I absolutely have no desire to color-code my closet or school assignments. I don’t understand those weirdos who take great joy in organizing their number two wooden pencil collection from darkest to lightest yellow or squeal whenever they see aesthetic Instagram posts of crazily anal people who spent the time sorting out bags of crafting beads by their individual color. I wish I could just attribute it to me having better things to do, but let’s be real here, I totally don’t. I guess I just like the clutter and the low-maintenance it comes with. And I’m not a f*****g psycho.
“No, but the one on the far left is more of a creamy jasmine buff color while the one on the far right is totally a crescent moon on a starry night in June kind of yellow.”
2. Cooking.
Okay now that we’re two points into the article I’ve realized that these two major failings of mine are probably why I’m a feminist. I’m a woman who can’t cook or clean, so god help me in finding a husband. And when I mean bad at cooking, I’m not talking about your average incompetent Joe who has burnt cookies while baking before or who struggles to follow recipes. I’m talking I have successfully managed to set pasta, toast, and yes, even microwave popcorn on fire. Call it luck, call it our society’s modern conveniences, but I somehow have been able to defy Darwinism to this point. Sorry, snowflake millennial here. Why learn a basic necessity when Wendy’s has all of the three Michelin star master chefs you can ever need?
“If you’re really quiet, you can hear the sound of my arteries clogging as I down my fourth cheeseburger of the week.”
3. Singing.
You know the kind of people I really hate? Those who say they can’t sing, shyly giggle when you peer-pressure them into singing, and then belt out the latest pop song with a voice that can only rival Idina Menzel’s. You know what I have to do when I want to sing along to Taylor Swift’s catchy new single? I have to make sure to completely turn up the volume, verify that no one is around, then start singing at a moderately low volume so that the super loud music can (hopefully) drown out my own singing that can only be equated to that of a whale in heat. So to all of you good, or even average, singers out there, treasure your voice. It is a gift not spared to all of us.
4. Not losing things.
Everyone misplaces stuff from time to time, but it takes a truly incompetent person (i.e. me) to be able to lose my phone, my keys, my wallet, my car, and even my dogs every single day. Sometimes all at once. Sometimes only four out of the five items on the list. There really isn’t much I can do about this (short of getting a chip tracker on everything I own or gluing all of my possessions onto my limbs). I propose for a website like Google to be created to where we can type our stuff into a search engine and it will tell us where everything is. Not going to lie, I would sell my left toe for that.
5. Sense of direction.
I have absolutely no sense of where I'm going. I pretty much have the inherent sense of direction of your average grocery store pineapple. Seriously, if you ever have me give you directions to the nearest movie theater we’ll probably somehow land in North Korea. I blame my dear old father for this one though. The childhood memory of us planning a nice family trip to Orlando and instead landing in an obscure town in South Carolina comes to mind. Some things just really aren’t your fault.
"This is the fourth time I've had to recalculate the route in the past two minutes. Jesus Christ, did you get your pupils dilated or something before getting behind the wheel?"
6. Driving.
Don't get me wrong, I’m never going to be that driver that cuts you off ,makes you slam on your brakes, and throw the finger my way. I am, however, going to be the driver that makes you squint your eyes, furrow your brows, and go, “What the hell are they doing?” I do, however, technically have a perfect driving record. So if you ever have the misfortune of being in the passenger seat, just think about the lack of points on my license as you clutch your rosary beads and do the sign of the cross for the 18th time.
7. Tolerating kids.
I don't like kids, I don't understand kids, and I’d really prefer minimal interaction with kids. There is something about their disproportionately sized eyes, sticky fingers, and unintelligible voices that just put my hairs on end. Even worse, I hate having to constantly censor my profane ass around them. I think the biggest irony of all is that kids surprisingly tend to love me, leaving me with the question of whether or not they can actually sense evil like I previously thought they could. I have heard from everyone and their parents, grandparents, and goldfish that I should probably keep an open mind when it comes to childbearing. Say what you want, but the idea of pushing a watermelon out of my hoo-ha is something I will never understand why women willingly do. I probably ovulate sand. Sorry mom, you're not getting a grand-kid.
"How in the world did you f**k that one up, Jimmy?"
8. Staying focused for extensive periods of time.
This article took me two weeks to write. Two weeks. Let that sink in. This isn’t Locke’s The Treatise of Government or Keynesian theory. Anything that will take your average Joe a few minutes to do will take me a solid Chinese dynasty (and then some) to finish. Focus comes to me in short-lived sporadic bursts - and try as I might, I really can't force them to come. People have suggested everything from mediation to drugs. Mostly Schedule II drugs. It is what it is.
9. Not swearing.
This is admittedly a bad habit. While most of the things on the list are just inherent aspects of my personality that I could (maybe) work on, this is something I could realistically immediately improve by just not doing it. And it isn’t like I’m physically incapable of it either - I never swear around my parents, children, the elderly, or strangers. I also don't have a brain tumor or Tourette’s syndrome - those people actually have a valid reason as to why they may say things that are inappropriate at times - I'm just profane. Though, you do have to take into account that this is a point that heavily relies on perspective. I’m not bad at not cursing; I’m just really good at it.
10. Sleeping at reasonable times.
My sleep schedule is so off that the best way I can explain it is that it's the equivalent to having really bad jet lag. I generally won't fall asleep until anywhere from 3-4 in the morning. Sometimes I'll go to bed early at 7 in the afternoon, sleep until 1 in the morning, stay up until 5, then sleep until 9 in the morning only to stay awake until 3 in the afternoon then go take another nap. To be fair though, I can't really complain. Unlike most college students, I do get my solid eight hours of sleep. They just happen to come in the form of naps throughout the day instead of through a continuous length of sleeping. And it’s also very heavily self-imposed. Why fall asleep when I can read about haunted places in America or the mating rituals of penguins?
Anyway, the only comfort I have is that one article I read online about how apparently people who stay up late, are super disorganized, and swear a lot have higher IQs. So if any readers share any of these things with me, next time someone looks at us disapprovingly and begs that we please get some of our clothes off the floor, or to maybe go to bed before four in the morning, or to for once not use a word that would be bleeped on TV - we can just respond with something along the lines of, “I can’t help showing the signs of a genius.” Or something like that.
Because why be responsible when you can pretentious?
