About a year ago, a friend of mine went on a date. However, she did not know that it was a date because no one had informed her of it. Having been on that awkward date/not date myself, I wrote an article that included steps on how to take a girl on a date and sent it to her as a joke. At her request, I am now sharing this article with you. Here are ten easy steps/suggestions on how to take a girl on a date.

How to Take a Girl on a Date:

Step one: Decide whether or not it is a date. It is your job to decide whether or not it is a date. Do not be vague about this. Use the word “date.” That way there is no confusion, and the girl can plan her outfit and how to act accordingly. Do not be afraid of rejection. Even if she does reject you, she will respect that you had the courage to ask her.

Step two: Tell the girl that it is a date. Once again, use the word date. Eliminate any confusion. This will save both you and the girl a lot of stress. Ask her either in person or over the phone, preferably in person. Do not ask her over a text. No. Do not even think about it. I will come through your computer screen and slap you.

The man’s role is to pursue, and the woman’s role is to allow/decline. You, the man, decide whether or not it is a date and then let me know. I, the woman, will then either go on the date or not go on the date. It is really quite simple. Do not try to trick me into a date by asking me to “hang out” and then declare it a date while we are out. Maybe I don’t want to date you. Maybe I do. Maybe you should actually ask me on a date and find out.

Step three: Pick the girl up. Do not meet her somewhere. I don’t care if you’re driving, walking, skateboarding, horse riding, boating, parachuting, or whatever form of transportation you are thinking of. You walk, drive, parachute, or whatever to that girl’s house, and you pick her up for your date.

Step four: (If applicable) introduce yourself to her parents. You look them in the eye when you introduce yourself and you shake their hands. Have a firm handshake. A firm handshake says a lot about your character. Be especially polite to her parents. Their opinions of you are very important, and will help shape her opinion of you.

Step five: Open all of the doors for her. If that girl’s hand touches a door during your date, you have failed.

Step six: Pay for her. Do not let that girl pay on the first date. This will impress her.

Step seven: Do not kiss the girl on the first date. This is another big no-no. I don’t care how pretty she looks, how perfect she seems, or how much fun you had on your date. Do not kiss her. Not yet. This gives you both something to look forward to. As Captain Jack Sparrow would say, “Wait for the opportune moment.” Plus, do you really even know her? She could be a serial killer. It takes more than one date to find that sort of thing out.

Step eight: Be very respectful of her throughout your date. She is a lady, and you should treat her as such.

Step nine: Drive her home. Once again, open all doors for her (this includes car doors). Be sure to walk her to her door and tell her goodnight. Again, do not kiss her. If you must, kiss her on the cheek or forehead. Her lips are off limits. Do not go inside, even if she invites you. You do not want to overstay your welcome. If her parents are near the door, wish them a goodnight. If not, ask her to tell them “goodnight” or “hello” or anything nice, really (this applies if she still lives with her parents; if she has roommates, be nice to them). Do not forget about the parents. Once again, their opinions are incredibly important.

Step ten: Call her the next day. Frankly, the “wait three days” thing is idiotic. Do not call too early or too late. She will be anxious to hear from you. Do not text her. Call her. A phone call means more than a text message. Ask her on a second date over a phone call.

This was obviously a lighthearted, fun article written in an attempt to cheer up a friend after a terrible date. However, there is a lot of truth in it. Be bold and be honest, and I believe that we will eliminate a lot of confusion and heartbreak.