Oh boy, oh boy! It's the 2016 political season! You all know what that means, don't you? Time to be bored out of your mind, because politics suck and you don't want anything to do with them, but you're surrounded by people who "care about our country's future," whatever that's supposed to mean. So, since so many of your friends seem to be passionate about this year's elections, and that fine honey you've been macking on is a huge political nut, you decide to find out what this year's candidates stand for.

So perhaps you've searched a bit and did some research: the first one you find is some ugly racist with a mouth as big as his face and a weird yellow rat on his head. Not your kind of guy. Then you find an old lady who looks similar to someone who was relevant in the '90s, but probably had some marriage issues. Eww. Scouring the choices, no one really seems to catch your -- well, hello -- who's this? Ted Cruz? He looks vaguely like a Muppet, but there's something else there. A glimmer in his eyes, one all too familiar. Something... reptilian.

Trust me, my absentminded little reader -- your instincts are correct. Ted Cruz is, without a doubt, a lizard person. You've heard of them in passing; reptilian extraterrestrials come here to take over our planet and enslave our weak and pitiful race. Sounds like the life, right? Well, of course it doesn't. Unfortunately, a vast majority of our population doesn't seem to be aware of the truth, which is probably due to the hypnotic stare of the lizard people. Cruz himself is believed to be able to petrify voters with a single glance. Scary stuff, people, scary stuff. To be honest, it wasn't hard to tell that good ol' Ted was a lizard; all the signs are there.

The lizard people are known for their talent to seamlessly blend in among us with ease; but every now and then, they botch an origin story along the way, like certain megacorps have done with certain comic book franchises (cough cough, X-Men). Cruz was "born" in Alberta, Canada, lived there for three years and then moved to Houston with his family. Many of his opponents, like the dark lord himself, Bad Hair Man, have attacked him for this "fact." But since Bad Hair Man lacks a brain, he hasn't noticed the glaring plot hole: lizards cannot be born in the cold. Have you been to Canada, eh? It's freezing, and everyone sounds constipated, although that would greatly explain his face:

You dumb scalies made a whoopsie this time, but it's not the only one.

Cruz's platform marks another dead giveaway to his alien origins. He strongly favors the death penalty, like the bloodthirsty reptile that he is. As if that wasn't enough, Cruz has also gone on record with ideas of war and big plans for military spending. Past lizard presidents, like George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan, were at least creative enough to find suitable scapegoats or outlets for their plans of mass death and destruction. Cruz, however, ignores his species' need for subtlety, and goes straight for the jugular, ready to unleash hell fire on any group he can target first. Just look at that disgusting, devilish gleam in his eyes.

There's no soul lurking in there, folks.

Now, we all know that lizard people do not age, obviously. They constantly change their back story to become a new person. It's an undisputed fact. But, once they have chosen their human form, they are stuck with it, which can come back to haunt them, much like our buddy Teddy here. See, back in the 1970s, Cruz, under his former alias, got a little carried away with his blood lust and became the man known as (please pause for dramatic effect) the Zodiac Killer.

For those of you uninformed, the Zodiac Killer was a serial killer who claimed to have murdered 37 people in the San Francisco area from 1968 to 1969. He was famous for leaving cryptic letters at his crime scenes, signed only with this:

Which is the symbol from the Zodiac brand of watches, shown here:

Yes, Cruz did have a flair for the dramatic.

You're probably thinking, "Yeah, but that's a bit of a stretch. How do you even put these two things together?" Well, think about it this way: the Zodiac killer disappeared in the '70s, and Ted Cruz happened to be born in 1970, which would give the scaly monster enough time to hide and work on becoming something new, running a spotty backstory and reemerging after his past crimes died down. Seems a little flaky to me. Also, Cruz's strong resemblance to this police sketch of the killer raises many questions:

Scary. If you don't believe me, then you better believe the 38% of Florida voters who agree with me. People from Florida are never wrong, right?

If I didn't lose you yet, then this final fact will be the one that will convince you the most. From the moment I discovered this fact, I knew I was undoubtedly right. While lizard technology is far superior to ours in every way, it is still not without error. Sometimes, lizard camouflage can be buggy; face replication has been known to fail before, but never this bad. Look:

For a complex, hyper-intelligent race, you green bastards really dropped the ball on this one. Just look at the whole thing. The spacing and shaping of the eyes, the unrealistic nose, the bulbous and comedic ears. And the lips. Those lips. I can't tell what human emotion it's trying to replicate, but all I know is I need an adult. You lizard freaks have cut it close with abominations like Martin Shkreli and Billy Bob Thorton, but this is one mistake that cannot be avoided, cannot be covered up. It's just... look at it. Look at those lips.

You may have crept along silently, pulling the strings of puppet regimes and governments for centuries, but you grew too comfortable, too fat and decadent. You thought you had control, built your ivory tower too high to reach, but then you slipped. You freaks made one careless, infinitesimal mistake, and it blew the cover on your kettle pot. You made an impostor who just wasn't perfect enough, just didn't meet the exact requirements, and you hoped no one, not a single soul, would notice. Well, my scaly green friends, someone did take notice. 38 percent, to be precise.