As the 2016 Rio Olympic Games come to a close, America can proudly celebrate its team of extraordinary athletes. From the pool to the balance beam, Team USA has brought home an impressive slew of medals and accolades. And yet, despite all that, I can’t help but join the rest of my country in wondering how much better we might have performed in Rio, had Donald Trump found time to compete.
On the one hand, it’s nice to see lesser stars like Katie Ledecky and Serena Williams given a chance in the spotlight, but part of me is still sad that the world didn’t see the best we had to offer. A self-reported 16-time Olympic gold medalist in a record twelve different sports, Trump would have brought a level of skill and professionalism that was notably lacking in Team USA this year.
“I’m the best at the Olympics. They love me in Greece,” Mr. Trump reportedly said in reference to his self-declared experience. “Nobody does badminton bigger than I do. Swing, swing, whack, I’m very good with that kinda thing. I’m so fast, I did the decathlon in nine events.” When asked before the games about defending his apparent world record in the 4x200-meter freestyle relay, he reportedly said that “I’m not really worried about it. I mean, I did that race on my own and I hear they got four guys swimming it this time. And they’re terrific guys, I like them very much.”
Rumors hold that the significant size of Team USA this Olympics was partially due to Trump’s unfortunate absence. “They must have really been banking on him coming,” claimed international sports analyst Jim Harrison. “I mean, a lot of these guys are only on the team because Donald backed out last minute. How else do you explain someone like Draymond Green being sent to Rio?” Mr. Harrison asked excitedly, throwing his hands in the air to drive home the ridiculousness.
It’s true that a number of events had more American participants this year than Trump’s reported claims of the past several Olympics. Both rowing and volleyball, events apparently performed solely by Mr. Trump in past games, now sport full teams from the US. Even synchronized diving had multiple entrants from the United States this year, as opposed to the one-man synchronized diving routine that reportedly earned Donald gold medals in Beijing and London.
“Some people claim one-man synchronized diving is a physical impossibility,” commented aquatic entry analyst Harold Brimley, “but though Mr. Trump has never gone into the details of how it actually works, he clearly knows what he’s doing. I mean, look at how successful he is!”
It’s truly disappointing that Donald Trump couldn’t break away from his rigorous presidential campaign to compete in Rio, both for Americans and native Brazilians. I mean, he’s very popular in Brazil. They love him down there. And they’re terrific people, they really are. But it looks like we’ll have to wait another four years to see Trump in Tokyo, making the Olympics great again.
