Technically speaking, I've always been a feminist. I recognized the misogyny in my gym classes when they separated us into groups based off the two binary genders for football, letting the boys have free reign while the teachers proceeded to teach the girls. I saw in it my family when my brothers were allowed to watch "inappropriate" movies (like "I Love You, Man") while I had to wait until I was practically out of the house. It wasn't until I started college, however, that I started to learn more about what it meant to be a feminist and a black feminist at that.

I've struck up small conversations with my moms and someone I view as a father. Sometimes, it's little things; defending my outfit, defending my wearing make-up to work, not wanting to shave my legs, etc. Sometimes it's as big as making them understand that nothing a woman does justifies unwanted sexual attention and that the patriarchy does exist in black culture. It's difficult to un-teach misogyny and the effects of the patriarchy. But, I think it's necessary to inform them of the basics of feminism so that they can help us change the world.

1. Feminism: A quick definition

There are a lot of definitions out there about feminism. Some say feminism is about tearing men down, some say it's only for women, and some even have the nerve to say that feminists can't be feminine. But, none of this is true. Feminism is the advocacy for equal rights, it fights for the world to recognize that we are, first and foremost, people and we should be treated as such. It's not misandry, which is prejudice against men. Feminism works on destroying tropes that trap men into being brute, emotionless, horn-dogs just as much as it destroys tropes that trap women into being weak, psycho, sex objects.

"That being said, even though feminism is beneficial to all sexes, it's importance shouldn't be dependent on how useful it is to the male gender." -Unknown.

Feminism fights for everyone's right to choose. You can be a feminist and wear heels and be a stay-at-home mom. You can be a feminist and be a sex worker. It's your life and you have a right to make your own decisions.

2. What we're fighting for

What do feminists want? Honestly, we want a few things more than just equal pay. We want to stop being treated like sex objects. We want men to stop making us something to own. We want to be in control of our own bodies and that does include pregnancy and what we wear. We want society to stop teaching youth that "boys will be boys" when they rough house girls. We want to stop being blamed for the violence inflicted upon us. We want society to realize that is was the patriarchy that told men they need to be strong, that they can't control themselves, and that they can't be raped. We want society to understand that when you say it's okay for a woman to wear pants, but not for a man to wear a dress, you're saying something about what it means to be a woman. We want society to realize how stupid the notion of the friend-zone is because women don't owe anyone shit. We want you to feel uncomfortable because that's the only way things are going to change around here. We want society to stop telling us that the things that are natural for most women (periods, breast-feeding, masturbation, etc.) are disgusting. We want schools to stop sending girls home for showing their knees, shoulders, backs, or collarbones because the boys might get distracted when what they should be doing is holding the boys accountable. We want to hold everyone accountable for their cause in the dehumanization of people.

3. Intersectionality

This is something that is very important to me. Intersectionality is the recognition that not all women come from the same background and that we don't always have the same experiences. The history of feminism is riddled with white feminists pushing the cries of women outside of their circle to the margins. They would say, "Why are you talking about race? That has nothing to do with women as a whole." Black women got the same reaction in black nationalist spaces and the men would say, "This is not about women, this is about black people." This intersectionality can coincide with religion, age, class, sexual orientation, and whether or not you are able-bodied/minded. I can only speak from the black feminist perspective because that is my narrative, but my feminism is all inclusive. As someone who knows what it feels like to have my issues shoved aside, I am an ally for all women.

So, Mom, I'm not being racist or exclusive when I say I'm going to co-start a black feminist group at school. I'm placing my people in the narrative, bringing our experiences to the center, and forcing the people within my culture to realize the patriarchy exists. Besides, as the below image describes, I cannot be racist.

And to my father figure, when you look me in the eye and say no one's oppression matters as much as a black man's oppression, you are telling me that you could care less about the problems I tell you I'm facing. Please stop comparing experiences!

4. What we need from you

The thing I've noticed when I talk to my parents, or anyone who claims not to be a feminist for that matter, is they have a really hard time just shutting up and listening. And when they do listen, they are thinking of a response, a rebuttal, instead of just taking in what we have to say. The issues feminists bring up aren't jokes, we aren't making this stuff up. This stuff is real and it's killing us.

So, we want you to hear us. Re-read the stuff we as feminist are asking society for because a lot of that can change in the home. Don't slut-shame your daughters and inherently blame her for any unwanted attention. Stop telling her to be more lady-like, which honestly means quiet, demure, and submissive. Don't tell your daughter that if her butt looks too big she needs to change because chances are, her butt might be big. And that's okay! That goes for breasts too. Help your children love their bodies, every curve and every space. Stop telling your sons to "be a man", let him cry and feel. Hold your children responsible if they look at someone inappropriately. Stop the "protective dad" narrative because your daughter will be in charge of her own body.

Stop teaching girls that sex is deviant while teaching boys that it's natural for them and it's something they can't control. If your child is trying to tell you something about their body or sexuality listen. Don't brush them aside, telling them it's just a phase or they're confused because even if it's true, it does not negate their feelings.If someone is sexually assaulted, never say "you're lucky you're still alive" or "you should have stopped it". Never, I repeat, never blame the victim. Teach your children about consent and the proper ways to ask for it.Remind your children (and yourself) that makeup is not about pleasing others, so stop asking them "who they're wearing all that makeup for". Help them see that they are people who deserve to be treated with respect no matter what they wear. I hope that this helps you when you have to defend feminism. I hope that any adults reading this will consider the words I've said and actually think about what it means. If you have anything you'd like to add, please share in the comments!