Think of your biggest secret. Do you have it in mind? Ok, now imagine picking up your phone, dialing a toll-free number, and telling a complete stranger that secret. Is your heart racing slightly? Would you actually follow through with it? Not only do the people I work with have to tell a stranger their story; they worry about their abuser, finding out, looking at their cell phone history or walking in while they are on the phone.
Talking with a survivor of domestic violence is a tricky rope to walk. You want to be supportive, helpful, and a good ear for them to talk to. But, you also want to be angry. Angry at their abuser, angry at a system that may have failed them, angry at friends that no longer want to talk to them, and angry at family that doesn't know--or might not believe them. In those moments of anger, you can’t show it. You can only support and agree with the person you are talking to.
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Talking with a survivor can also be a test in not feeling utterly, and completely at a loss for what to do. The sad fact of the matter is that there might not be a single thing you can do for the survivor. If you are familiar with Vermont at all you will know that if you don’t live in Burlington or downtown Montpelier, access to affordable public transportation is limited. If someone you are talking to wants to leave their abusive partner but they have no car and are completely isolated from friends or family, the individual may not actually be able to leave.
Financial abuse can also play a factor. Many survivors that we talk with at our office are not allowed to have jobs or if they do they are required to give their earnings to their partner. Some survivors that we work with don’t even know how much money is the bank. It is hard for them to leave their abusive partner when they don’t have the financial means to do so.
The work is hard. The work is stressful. The work can be sad. So, here is the big question—Why is talking with survivors important?
It’s important because many times just knowing that someone is listening with no judgement, and that they really care is what someone needs to carry them through. It might give them the courage they need to leave, or maybe they will call back every day for a week, or maybe you never hear from them again, but in those minutes you spent talking you genuinely cared about what they are coping with and you wanted to help. Most importantly you believed them, something they may never have felt before.
