I used to talk about my mental health a lot more than I do now. Honestly, I feel like I’ve been doing pretty well in that aspect of my life. So there hasn’t really been a need for me talk about my mental health lately. However, ironically enough, the only time it seems like it’s acceptable to speak up about mental health is when you’re doing well. That’s been my experience.

While at first I resented how people seemed to shy away when I chose to speak up about my struggles with depression, after a good amount of thought, I came to understand it. Misery loves company, but company sure doesn’t love misery in return. No one wants to listen to someone whine about their depression; of course not, that’s a downer. I get that. What I still do not understand though, is why the second someone miraculously overcomes their mental illness, and for only that brief second, it becomes okay for them to open up about it. I suppose a sad story is a lot easier to sit through when you know that there’s a happy ending waiting on the last page and that there’s not an even sadder sequel coming afterwards. I get that too, but for a lot of people, overcoming depression’s sinister snare isn’t as simple as achieving some sort of symbolic victory over the illness and going on to live happily ever after. From my experience, I just can’t help but feel that if people were more willing to listen when it mattered - instead of when it was easy - that some of the tragic consequences which come with mental illness could be avoided.

With this being said, if society has deemed that it is only acceptable to talk about depression from a victorious point-of-view, then it seems like my social responsibility to use my platform as someone overcoming this illness to normalize the dialogues surrounding mental health issues which are so frequently neglected. I’m not exactly one hundred percent comfortable with sharing this much about myself, but by writing about how depression has continued to influence my life, even at my highest points, and also documenting the benefits that talking about my experiences with depression gave me, I hope to encourage my audience to approach future conversations about mental illness with far less hesitancy.

Hello, my name’s Christian. I’ve struggled on and off with depression for about four years now, and that’s okay. I’m not proud of this fact about myself, but I’m not ashamed of it either, and I think that’s okay too. I was at my lowest in the first of those four years, and while my mental health has steadily improved sense, I can still remember rock bottom’s floor like it was yesterday. Sure time heals all wounds. I’m proud to be able to admit that I’m happy again, but even still, I’ll be the first to admit that depression can still manage to manipulate you even when you’re doing well.

I know I’m doing well for myself because I’m happy, and after all, what else could a man want besides happiness? Well actually, contradicting my own logic, I’ve discovered that a man both can and is expected to want a lot more than just happiness. If the American way of life was fueled by happiness then things would be a lot simpler. I remember knowing this growing up. I had dreams of becoming a video-game designer and a football player because I knew that happiness wasn’t all I wanted in life; I wanted money, power, and respect along with it. Somehow I lost sight of these dreams when my mental health took a turn for the worse.

In hindsight, I think I was just so sad for so long that I couldn’t maintain focus on any goal aside from my desperate desire to learn how to be happy again. This actually hasn’t worked out that bad. Like I said earlier, I’m doing pretty well. That’s the very nature of my problem though. Now that I’m happy again, now what? Do I just sit here and be happy? For about two years, my answer to that question has been yes. I’m not saying this was a bad answer. I’m sure being content with happiness works out for a lot of people, but this was a dangerous decision for me. I’ve had a lot of fun and made a lot of friends, but I can also see how being content with just happiness can lead to a less than fruitful life. In the process of basking in my new found happiness I’ve wasted more time than I’d like to admit. Thankfully, instead of shying away from difficult conversations, the friends I’ve made in this time have been genuine enough to push me to strive for more than just happiness.

I doubt this is a universal experience with depression, but the more I started to feel it slip away, the more I was able to separate myself from the condition all together. People notice when your smile comes back; that’s fun. So it’s fun to enjoy your personal victory and speak triumphantly about your grueling tug of war with depression when people notice. This doesn’t last too long though, and eventually it becomes easy to stop talking about depression all together. This formula may sound like the solution to overcoming depression – beat it, talk about it, forget about it – but this solution ignores the people, including myself, whose experience with depression isn’t as much of a closed case as it is an ongoing trial.

Depression is comfortable. It took me a long time realize this, but being comfortable with happiness while still living my life like I’m depressed isn’t good enough for me. I couldn’t have realized this on my own either. Through sharing my own vulnerability and owning up to how depression has, and probably will continue to impact my life, I’ve been able to disrupt the post depression comfort zone I’ve been living in for too long. Whether I’m talking about my experiences with depression, or writing them down, sharing my thoughts has been the best form of therapy for me.

If you’ve made it this far in my article then I assume you’ve been personally affected by mental illness at some point in your life. If you’ve found and are content in your happiness despite that, that’s awesome. If you aren't though, and you’re finding that something is still missing in your life, I’d hope my experiences encourage you to both share and be confident in your thoughts until you find whats missing. For me, i needed to start working towards regaining my competitive nature and realizing my potential again. Also, if you’ve made it this far with a loved one in mind, I’d hope my experiences inspire you to a certain degree to more openly embrace conversations about mental illness.