Masturbation. I'm sure to most just the sight of the word makes most feel almost dirty, or like they're seeing something they shouldn't. Masturbation is such a taboo topic in today's world, especially to talk about, and personally I don't understand why.

It seems if we even think about talking about it with others, we have to be secretive, or watch where we say things.

We can't talk about that here. At the fork in the road, go left. You will come across a McDonald's on the right. Buy me an Oreo McFlurry. Then go to the alley behind McDonald's, find the 3rd red door on the left. Knock to the tune of Jukebox Hero by Foreigner and a man named Ralph will answer. He will then quiz you on That 70s Show trivia, which let's be honest...you'll do fine. Then we will be able to talk.

We all masturbate. Sorry to burst your bubble. Your friends, your roommate(s), the person you're sitting next to, and even your family masturbates. It's time we be a little more open about it, especially all my fellow women out there.

The thing is about masturbation is it's highly over-sexualized, and at the same time not sexualized enough. It's over sexualized in the sense that porn depicts masturbation as something women usually do in front of men to get them off or an extremely uncomfortable looking act with lots of terrifying devices that spin and whirr and you think "oh God, am I going to see this poor girl die?" How many things were wrong with that last sentence? Everything. Every word. Sorry to burst yet another bubble, but we all watch porn at least once too, and there are so many things wrong with porn that I will talk about in a whole other article, but porn is not real. Well, it's real in the sense that it happened if you want to be literal about it, but it's, for the most part, totally fake and nothing that you see is realistic, it mainly caters to a male audience.

So how is masturbation not sexualized enough? Simple. It's seen as a total sin within most religions and it's almost as if the concept of masturbation as bad and gross thing is passed down as a norm in our society. How did this all begin? The earliest found document against masturbation is an 18th century pamphlet distributed in London in 1716 by Dutch theologian Dr. Balthazar Bekker titled "Onania, or the Heinous Sin of Self-Pollution, And All Its Frightful Consequences, In Both Sexes, Considered: With Spiritual and Physical Advice To Those Who Have Already Injured Themselves By This Abominable Practice." Ironically a pretty long title for a guy who wants to just get to the point that masturbation is bad. The link is there if anyone cares to read, but the main takeaway I got from it was that this guy seems really tense and he should really just needs a good ol' self pollutin'.

The pamphlet also touches on familiar themes of sin and vice and makes some wild claims of the hellish destruction masturbation reaps on your body, such as:

"Disturbances of the stomach and digestion, loss of appetite or ravenous hunger, vomiting, nausea, weakening of the organs of breathing, coughing, hoarseness, paralysis, weakening of the organ of generation to the point of impotence, lack of libido, back pain, disorders of the eye and ear, total diminution of bodily powers, paleness, thinness, pimples on the face, decline of intellectual powers, loss of memory, attacks of rage, madness, idiocy, epilepsy, fever and finally suicide."

Pretty dramatic there, Balthazar. Have no fear, though! Our good friend Balthazar has the perfect cure to prevent us from masturbating. His recommended remedy is a "Strengthening Tincture" at 10 shillings a bottle and a "Prolific Powder" at 12 shillings a bag, available from a local shop. Which you know, adding medicines and drugs into your daily routine is definitely a lot healthier than a natural function. I will give it to Balthazar though, self pollution and onania are both pretty badass terms for masturbating.

Another fun fact, the guy who created Kellogg cereals, Doctor John Harvey Kellogg was an extremely over-zealous campaigner against masturbation and drew upon many, in my opinion, shady medical sources to prove masturbation was bad for you. His proposed cure for masturbation in children is rather disturbing,

"bandaging or tying their hands, covering their genitals with patented cages, sewing the foreskin shut and electrical shock, and circumcision without anesthesia, which would break the habit."

(and buy some Kellogg's cereal afterwards?)

So when you're staring at your puzzle-less cereal box next time, think about being bandaged and tied, circumcised without anesthesia if you masturbate, because Sir Kellogg would definitely not approve.

u masturbatin???? *eye twitch*

How do we reverse this negative stigma?

We talk about it. We be loud and proud about masturbating. Make it funny, make it a trend. Most importantly, make it normal. Start talking about it more with your friends. If you feel uncomfortable with using the word masturbating, because it is kind of a creepy word, I got you.
For men call it-
1. Boppin' the bologna
2. Charmin' the cobra
3. Dishonorable discharge
4. giving the John Handcock
and my favorite- 5. freeing the willies.

For ladies-
1. Muffin' buffin'
2. Finding Nemo
3. Jilling off
4. Polishing the pearl
or my favorite of all time *drumroll please* 5. Impeaching Bush.

Still need more convincing on why to talk about masturbation more? Because it's good for you! No, really! Here's a small list of benefits masturbation does for you:
1. Along with releasing endorphins, arousal and orgasm from a little self love also produces oxytocin, which works as a natural pain reliever for ailments like headaches, muscle aches, and other pains.
2. Helps you sleep. Need I really say more to explain this one? Along with oxytocin and endorphins you'll feel relaxed and relieved of stress.
3. When not in a relationship that involves sex or sexual activities, masturbation gives you the sexual release you may need and make being single as hell a little less terrible.
4. Research has shown men who masturbate regularly are less at risk for developing prostate cancer.
5. Masturbation (and sex) increase the flow of testosterone in the body helping to transport a hormone called DHEA, which is important to the immune system and strengthens bones.
6. For women especially, masturbating helps you become more comfortable in your body and lets one discover what you like sexually. It's vital to discovering yourself, and down the line if you have sex it's beneficial in understanding what you like and what feels good to you.

So men, and especially women, I dream of a world where I can stumble into a room and with an exasperated sigh tell all the inhabitants I just impeached the fuuuuuuck out of Bush, and get applause. Not weird looks, not a "ewwww", and especially not shifty looks. Lets all be a little more open about this natural and beneficial function our bodies gifted to us, because let's be honest... masturbating is awesome. So let's start talking like it.