For as long as I can remember, I have held stuff in. I'm not sure if it's because my closest "friends" have turned their back on me, if it's because I am a loner, I'm not sure. I just don't like to talk about my problems with anyone but myself, in my bed, at 3:00 A.M. on Thursday nights. Anyway, it has caused some serious issues in friendships, relationships, and even how my family interacts with me. It got to the point where I was not happy with my life, at all. Every day was a bad day.
I have been struggling with this since I was in 8th grade (I'm now a senior in college). What makes it so bad, is that nobody really seemed to care that I was this bad off. It was like I was always under water and nobody wanted to give me a hand, which is why I think I let myself go into my shell so much and just rely on myself and myself alone. It wasn't until I almost lost my boyfriend of almost two years, at the time, that I realized I needed help. The only reason I even heard him out and didn't shut him down is because he called me out on all my bull crap. So, I tried to get help, but nothing worked. I was still extremely unhappy, and I didn't know why.
It wasn't until I went to New York on a mission trip that I realized why nothing was helping the way I felt. It was Wednesday night and we were all sitting around the house half the team was staying at, when our leader told us that we were giving testimonies. I was so scared because I had never done it before, I always found a way out of doing it, and I was happy with that fact. But, there was something in me saying that I wasn't going to get out of it this time and that it was going to be big. Anyway, I, of course, decided to go last because I needed that time to mentally prepare myself.
Everyone went and then came my turn. I automatically started shaking, even when two people from my team came by my side to comfort me. So, without me really wanting to, I started to talk. I talked about how I was a very religious person when I was younger. I loved church and learning about Jesus and all that fun stuff. Then, I started to talk about when my life went darker. When I saw nothing but dark, sadness, and just emptiness. I started to pull away from family and friends, but nobody noticed.I started to hate my life and it just kept getting worse and worse until I was just over the thought of doing anything. I was open about my whole life, every dark, messed up demon. But, I also told them how Jesus came back into my life when I was at my lowest and changed it for the better. And, guess what? Nobody hated me. Nobody thought I was some awful monster who could not be saved. Nobody looked at me with disappointment. Up until telling them that, I had carried so much of my past around with me, I had always let that affect my life and in that 15 minutes it took me to open up, I could feel myself getting happier. After finally talking about it, I felt calm and like life wasn't falling apart around me. It was such a free feeling and it still is, a week later. I am still happy and getting happier every day. I am positive, I see the light. I see the good.
Talking helps. People care. You're not in this alone.
