Okay, so things are about to get real a second here at Odyssey, and perhaps a bit… odd. Bear with me. I’m going to try to discuss this without being graphic, so forgive me if my words stray into overly-clinical technical vocabulary, but there’s no better way to say this: on Sunday, November 8, 2015, the following Garfield Comic came out which proves that lovable cat owner, Jonathan Arbuckle, is a user of vibrating dildos-- not just a user, but an aficionado.

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Now, before you accuse me of reading things too far into a newspaper comic about a sarcastic cat, let me prove to you beyond all reasonable doubt that I am. In the last panel, you may notice that Garfield coyly suggests (via telepathy) that Jon should answer his “bee”.

Well, Mr. Garfield, I may not be 100% current with the slang kids today are using, but I do not think that this is a bee. Let us analyze the situation for a moment: Jon feels buzzing in what we initially assume to be his pocket and surmises that this is his cellular phone, only to discover that his phone is actually on the counter. At this point, Jon makes a face of abject horror and runs away screaming. Now, the obvious (and incorrect) assumption is that Jon has been stung by a bee that is, for whatever reason, vibrating in his pocket. Putting aside the troubling matter of Jon Arbuckle putting a bee into his pocket, I present the following piece of artwork from Garfield’s official website as irrefutable proof that Jon wears denim jeans!

How, I ask, would a bee manage to sting someone through solid denim? Impossible, I declare, and even if it was, bees do not vibrate in the same manner as cellular phones! We must instead look to alternate alternatives. I submit to you the following thought: there are very few other items which vibrate in the manner of a cellular phone, and the most common is the vibrating dildo. We could, of course, assume that Jon has a turned-on vibrating dildo in his pocket and be done and satisfied, but one must wonder why someone would have such an item in their phone pocket in the first place, and one must wonder why said someone would make such a dramatic face and run away screaming because a vibrating dildo was in their pocket.

There is, of course, a much more reasonable explanation: that the object in question has been left up a rather different sort of pocket. I posit that, per the principle of Occam’s razor, we must accept the simple explanation that Jon Arbuckle is not only a user of vibrating dildos, but is such a frequent user of vibrating dildos that he can no longer feel their presence in his rear cavity unless they are actively vibrating. While some may call this “slut-shaming” and protest that the “hot dog down a hallway” metaphor is not based in reality, I submit to you that this is a newspaper comic strip, and can only be expected to work on stereotypes such as the idea that overuse of the rear cavity will stretch it to the point of numbness except in extraordinary circumstances, such as the presence of a vibrating dildo which is actively vibrating.

You may, of course, protest further that if said vibrating dildo is marooned in Jon’s behind, it does not make sense that he would mistake it for his phone. Well, I will respond that I am totally prepared to argue that Jon Arbuckle also regularly shoves his cell phone into his natural rear pocket. After all, such a man as can only detect sensation when an object is actively vibrating is certainly likely to hold to one or two odder fetishes, and given the size and shape of Jon’s phone, one can only imagine what unique sensations it must produce. Ergo, not only does this comic strip show that Jon Arbuckle is an avid enthusiast for vibrating dildos who has accidentally left his tool of pleasure within its holster, but is also a phone insertion fetishist. Q.E.D. (Mic drop.)