I was 19 when I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. I struggled for around four years before I actually admitted it. It took the same amount of time to talk about my suicidal ideations and that's the only reason I got help. I was stuck in the psych ward for a week, they wouldn't let me check myself out after 72 hours even thought I was voluntarily there, and I barely ate anything.
Since then, I've been an open book. Well, for the most part. I've been to treatment for my eating disorder and met some of the best people out there. We all had our struggles. We all looked completely different and came from different backgrounds. No one expected the country girl from Montana to have to spend over two months learning how to eat again when her favorite food is elk steaks. Maybe that's why my insurance won't pay for treatment in Montana. Because we aren't supposed to need it.
This year's NEDA Week theme is "It's Time To Talk About It". Which is true. People hate me talking about my struggles because they see it as trivial. Like I can just switch my brain to want to eat. They don't get how I can look the way I do and still want to lose 30 pounds. Which is about the amount of weight I gained since I went to treatment. I don't shut up about my struggles some days.
And I should be able to openly talk about what it's like to be the "healthy" looking girl who still doesn't want to eat. Who still doesn't eat as much as she is supposed to. People shouldn't be rolling their eyes at me because I don't need to lose weight because I know I don't. That doesn't mean I don't want to.
We need to talk about eating disorders. Not just the anorexic girls that look like they'll blow away. We need to talk about the overweight bulimic girls that just want to look like the magazines because our society thinks thin equates to beautiful. We need to talk about the binge eaters who can't control themselves. We need to talk about those who only eat healthy, because that in itself is a deadly eating disorder. Most importantly we need to include men and boys in this conversation.
We need to educate the general public and even some doctors. Because when my depression medication wasn't working as well as it should, I was told to run it off. It was as if my gnarly eating disorder wasn't there anymore. People tell me that I should "just eat". And I would if I could. If I could eat anything, without knowing how many calories are in it and not care, I would.
Two years later, I still know how many calories are in one buffalo wing depending on the sauce. I know exactly how many calories are in a Coors Light that I drink on Friday nights. Except, after three of those I'm more worried about what I should request next than the fact that I'm basically drinking empty calories.
We need to talk about it because young girls are starting to diet earlier and earlier. We're starting to see more and more boys with body issues. No parent should have to go through that. No one in high school should have to worry about their friend that doesn't eat.
We need to talk about it because I'm so tired of my friends going on diets instead of eating right and exercising in order to look good in a bikini. I'm tired of everyone being so insensitive to my eating disorder but they get to talk about calories and being "fat" all the time. I'm tired of my disorder being the punchline to jokes. I'm just flat out tired.
Why?
Because you need food for energy and I don't eat what my body needs.
