Multiple Sclerosis. Breast Cancer. Stroke. Kidney Stones. Kidney Failure. All these illnesses and diseases are things my mom has experienced during my 23 years on this earth. They probably took everything out of me to say the least. I had to be "strong" for her. I had to step up and take care of my mama. All this was happening at the same time I was trying to figure out who the hell I was in this world. To this day that is still a struggle. Taking care of my mom while trying to determine who I am. I have no clue what the heck I am doing at this point.
I go back to constantly wishing I had my brother around. I have family. I have some of my moms friends. But for me, deep in my soul, I know that my brother could give the guidance and advice that would make the most sense. As I got older I was able to understand the illnesses that captured my mother's body, I cried. I sobbed so hard that it made my eyes tired. I felt even more restless than I already feel. I was and am so confused on what I need to be doing and what I should be doing. It's almost like I know what to do. But what steps do I take? How do I ensure that the best outcome possible is what me and my mom are exposed to?
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My ultimate wish more than anything on this earth is for my mom to be as healthy and happy as she can be. I do not want anything getting in the way of her health being in the best shape as possible. It's so hard because I'm only 23 years old, and in the process of receiving my bachelor's degree. I have a life. I have a life that I am trying to lay a foundation for. I have a life that I want to see certain things happen within it. I have a life where I want to see certain results. And all that is not happening fast enough for me. I get frustrated because my life is being on hold at such a young age for something I ultimately have no control over.
Who else is going to take care of my mom? Who else is going to make sure everything inside that little two bedroom house is in order? I feel terrified to leave sometimes, but then I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted from being there as well. I wish I had the answers that I needed. But right now I don't even know the answers I am looking for. My mom's illnesses has become mine, and I have no clue how to handle that. Being without my mama is something I cannot and do not want to fathom or digest at anytime right now. I would literally become a different person. But taking care of her consumes who I am and what I am right now.
It's my life.
"The mother-daughter relationship is the most complex" - Wynonna Judd
